The Mouse and the Wal-Mart Christmas Cake
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
A pretty story I will tell,
Of Brad, a little Mouse,
Who took delight, when none were near,
To skip about the house.
His little nose could sniff and smell
Where all good things were kept,
And in the pantry well he knew
That mistress Pussy (!) slept.
But, notwithstanding, in he crept,
And on the shelf he found
A Christmas cake, the top of which
Was by a castle crowned.
The subject of the present cake
Was Windsor’s mighty walls;
With turrets, windows, standard too,
And entrance to the halls.
Why, here within such walls as these,
Thought Bradley, I could dwell;
And should the Cat lay siege to them,
Defend myself right well.
So, with his little teeth, which served
For pickaxe and for spade,
He gnawed right through the gothic door,
And thus an entrance made.
Then climbed the turret, which he chose
His residence to make;
And thought to leave it now and then,
And feast upon the cake.
All this occurred on Christmas eve,
And next came Christmas day;
And then some little rednecks arrived,
To eat, and drink, and play.
Right merry are the little folks,
And what a noise they make,
When Windsor castle they behold,
Displayed upon the cake.
The turrets and the walls they view,
The cannon, too, admire;
The soldiers ready to present,
And then - pop! - pop! - to fire.
On this, when they had long enough
All exercised their wit,
They scrutinized the cake, and wished
To taste a bit of it.
Each guest prepared, the knife was raised
Some slices to begin,
When, lo! with wonder, all exclaimed,
“What the hell is that?”
Poor Bradley, when he saw the knife,
At once expressed his fear,
By squeaking out with all his might,
Which every one could hear.
Then John Boy, as he the turret viewed,
With consternation cried,
“There’s sumthin’, I am sure, alive,
And movin’, thar, inside.”
All now were hushed, and knew not what
All this could be about;
While Brad, in fright, forgot his tail,
Which at the top popped out.
“Why, here’s some trick,” the lady cried,
“I’ll knock the turret down.”
Bradley, in terror, gave a leap,
And ran along her polyester gown.
“Oh!” screamed the lady, “what is this?”
On each side was dismay,
Which Bradley took advantage of,
By scampering away.
Their fright all over, loud laughs ensued,
From all within the house,
To think that so much fear should be
Caused by a maverick mouse.
The children hunted for Brad mouse,
But he was not a dolt
To wait ’till he was caught, but made
Right through a hole - a bolt.
The party then began their dance,
And singing next ensued;
And then came supper, with its cakes,
And very best home-brewed.
Epilogue
Due to the high levels of mercury in the groundwater, Brad Mouse developed two heads. He was placed in a jar and sent to the University of Arkansas for dissection further examination. The family promoted their discovery on the evening news. Eventually, word of their story reached Ty Pennington, who brought the entire “Extreme Makeover: Redneck Edition” team to Arkansas. Their Jim Walter home was demolished and replaced with a 10,000 square foot house, complete with Jacuzzi tub. The family succumbed to hydrargaria, which led to their TLC series, “Little People, Big World“.]
[Poem from “The Mouse and the Christmas Cake” by Anonymous, from Project Gutenberg.]
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