Brad Brown

In this third installment of my movie review series, I synopsize some of the lesser-known films from my underground, bomb-proof archive. Unlike other sites’ reviews that take minutes, if not hours, to read, you should be able to consume everything below in less than thirty seconds.

• Phase IV (1974) - (Lynne Frederick) - Mutant ants invade an isolated, desert ghost town. For some reason (perhaps oil), the government decides to investigate. Everyone dies. Two thumbs up if you’re a geek; otherwise, avoid this movie.
• Scanners (1981) - (Jennifer O’Neill, Michael Ironside) - A good psychic battles an evil psychic. They telepathically give each other migraines. Sometimes, they accidentally explode the heads of innocent passersby. Thumbs up.
• Vanishing Point (1971) - (Barry Newman, Gilda Texter) - Smokey and The Bandit, minus Jerry Reed, and set in the deserts of the western US. Sally Field is replaced by a nude blonde on a motorcycle. A lengthy movie where most of the drama is psychological. Thumbs up if you like car chase movies; otherwise, you’ll fall asleep.
• Bangkok Dangerous (2008) - (Nicholas Cage, Charlie Yeung) - Nicholas Cage channels the spirit and acting style of Steven Seagal. Nicholas plays a sniper sent to Thailand to rid the world of four miscreants. He falls in love and has a change of heart about his profession. I fell asleep at that point. Thumbs down - avoid at all costs.
• Crack Heads Gone Wild (2006) - (Miscellaneous crack heads) - Documentary about crack heads on the streets of Atlanta. Save your money and watch Cops instead.
• Workout: One-On-One Training with Jackie (2008) - (Jackie Warner, Erika Jacobson, Agostina Laneri) - A thin, sexy lesbian, along with her merry group of fitness trainers, makes you feel bad about being fat. Thumbs up - although it psychologically scarred me, I’ve lost thirty pounds in two months, and you can too!
• Burnt Offerings (1976) - (Karen Black, Oliver Reed) - A family moves into a haunted house. The house possesses Dad, forcing him to choke his son and seduce Bette Davis. The house collapses and everyone dies. Thumbs up - one of the more suspenseful horror movies of the seventies.
• Gargoyles (1972) - (Jennifer Salt, Cornel Wilde) - This movie sparked my obsession with gargoyles. A scientist investigates gargoyle sightings in the desert. Surprisingly, no one dies. If you watch closely, you’ll see Martin Mull and Bernie Casey as gargoyles. Thumbs up. Low production quality but an excellent story.
• Jeepers Creepers (2001) - (Justin Long, Gina Philips) - The kid from the Apple Macintosh commercials (the former Mr. Drew Barrymore) battles a psycho killer in a souped-up hearse. If I remember, evil triumphs in the end, because there was a Jeepers Creepers sequel soon after the first one. Thumbs up - it holds your interest quite well and is not the typical slasher movie.
• Billy Jack (1971) - (Tom Laughlin, Delores Taylor) - Indian karate expert hurts local rednecks in order to save an alternative hippie school from closure. Dr. Johnny Fever (as Don Sturdy) has a bit part as well. Good drama that’s quite engrossing. Thumbs up.
• Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) - (Bill Maher, Shannon Tweed) - Shannon and Bill travel deep into the jungles of Southern California, looking for a mysterious tribe of hot ladies [I’m serious - that’s the plot]. Thumbs down, unless you’ve been drinking.
• Dark Star (1974) - (Dan O’Bannon) - The Dark Star’s crew is on a 20-year comedic mission to destroy unstable planets (Iraq) and make way for future colonization (by the US). This is John Carpenter’s first film, and quite unlike anything else he has directed since (Halloween). Thumbs up.
• Videodrome (1983) - (James Woods, Debbie Harry) - James Woods seduces Debbie Harry (of Blondie fame). He then becomes addicted to cable access television. I think there’s more to the movie, but nothing worth remembering. Thumbs down unless you’re a David Cronenberg fan.
• Duel (1971) - (Dennis Weaver) - This is Spielberg’s first film. Dennis Weaver combats high gas prices by letting himself be chased by a psychotic Exxon tanker truck driver. Thumbs up if you’re a guy, thumbs down otherwise.
• Harold and Maude (1971) - (Ruth Gordon, Bud Cort) - A quirky, female nonagenarian seduces a twelve-year-old boy. Luckily, there were no laws against this back then, so Maude escapes the death chair, and Harold gains the valuable knowledge of seduction that will serve him well later in life. A quirky, dark comedy. Thumbs up.

If you can’t get enough of these brief reviews, but sure to check out “Twenty-one Short Movie Reviews” and “Twenty-two Short Movie Reviews.” Feel free to leave a comment letting us know about any great movies you’ve seen lately.

When I was your age, we didn’t have fancy Halloween costumes or gadgets. Your costume choices were: Batman, Casper, Superman, or Wonder Woman - that was it, and we liked it! When you went on your candy-gathering excursion, you carried a flashlight. There were no GPSes or flashing pumpkins to guide your way; if you got lost, you just sat and cried until either Dad or “McHenry the Molester” rescued you. It was a simpler time, when your only worry was choking on the sewing needle hidden in your Hershey’s Kiss. Today, we’re afflicted with affluenza, and Halloween is the latest casualty. Now there are thousands of products for Halloween. Rather than discourage you from spending money on Halloween (which would be the moral thing to do), I thought I’d instead encourage you to spend wildly. There are several reasons why:

• The economy is tanking, and Halloween will be your last chance for celebration. Don’t wait for Christmas. You’ll be getting a lump of coal for Christmas, and you’ll probably have to eat it.
• If Obama is elected POTUS, he’ll enact strict anti-fun laws that will funnel all your money into a healthcare boondoggle. Spend your money before he does.
• If McCain is elected POTUS, he’ll die, leaving Sarah Palin as POTUS. To pander to the religious right, she’ll outlaw Halloween, given its celebration of witchcraft, Satanism, and all things holy and delicious.

Either way, you’re screwed. Halloween is your last chance to enjoy a good time. Spend, Reader, Spend!
 

Halloween Masks

What was the mask-maker thinking? The Barack Obama mask resembles an exaggerated Chris Rock, the John McCain mask looks like my grandmother, and Mitt Romney looks like Mr. Rogers with his eyes gouged out. Still, these are the scariest masks I could find. If I were you, I would purchase all three. Start the night out as John McCain, and in lieu of the hackneyed “trick or treat,” begin your candy-begging presentation with “My friends, remember the words of Chairman Mao: ‘It’s always darkest before it’s totally black. Now give me some candy, for my sack’.” Switch to Barack Obama after an hour or so, and use the following line: “I’ve now been in 57 states - I think one left to go. Now let’s see what kind of candy, is sitting in that bowl.” End the night wearing the Romney mask, and exclaim at each house, “I’m Mr. Rogers. Someone gouged my eyes out! Some candy might improve my outlook on life…”
 

Halloween Costumes

To be dishonest with you, I can’t stand wearing full-head, rubber masks. They make your head steam up more than a woman in a Turkish prison. I prefer flame-friendly polyester costumes combined with those hard plastic masks that press against your face so tightly, you’ll feel like your eyes will pop out. Regardless of my costume tendencies, I can’t bring myself to pay $19.99 for a piece of colorful plastic. I think it’s better to save the dough and make your own costume. Here are two ideas:

• Pregnant Britney Spears - If you’re slim, wrap your torso in bubble wrap and put on a dress (if you’re male, borrow a dress from your wife or mother). If you’re obese, skip the bubble wrap, unless you want to give the impression of carrying triplets. “Is you my baby’s daddy? We gone get a DNA!” will be your catchphrase for the evening.
• Beer-bottle Transformer - Tape beer bottles to each of your shoulders, with the mouth of the bottles facing forward. Fill each bottle partially with beer, so that you can walk without spilling any. Tape random pieces of metal to your body to make yourself look robotic, and then go trick or treating. When the homeowner opens the door, jerk your shoulders up and forward, dousing the unsuspecting person with beer. You may not get any candy, but the experience will be memorable. “Our planet was once a powerful, beer-loving empire, until we were betrayed by MegaKeg, leader of the frat boys. All who defied him were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the Milwaukee’s Best was lost to the stars. I followed it to your house.”

Halloween Candy to Avoid

I didn’t like cheap, nasty candy as a kid, and I don’t like giving it to the neighborhood kids these days. Here’s a list of what not to buy if you’re an adult. If you’re a kid, consider this a list of candies that should spur retribution, such as the “burning bag o’ poop on the doorstep” prank. The top five Halloween candies that suck are:

• 5. Altoids, 25-lb bag - “Serge, I’m so tired of giving out truffles to the kids for Halloween. How about we kick it up a notch with Altoids?”
• 4. Chocolate coins - Take a quarter teaspoon of imitation chocolate and wrap it with gold foil that’s hard to remove.
• 3. Licorice Gummi Wheels - Take a childhood favorite, give it a bad taste, and shape it in the form of a truck tire.
• 2. Jolt Caffeine Energy Gum - Give fresh breath and an energy boost to an ADHD kid before he goes home to mom.
• 1. Candy Corn - “Hey Jimmy. I have a great idea. Let’s manufacture a candy that looks like the vegetable every kid hates. Brilliant! What else do I have?”

Remember - stick with milk chocolate, variety packs, and Skittles. They’re good for you and the environment.
 

Safety First

The “sewing needle in a Hershey’s Kiss” story is not an urban legend. In 197?, I was sharing my candy with the hottie next door (Tammy, my babysitter - only as an adult did I realize she was attractive). I poured out my bag of candy onto the kitchen table and we started eating. She picked up a Hershey’s Kiss and sure enough, there was a needle stuck in it. Given the number of neighborhoods we had canvassed that night, it was impossible to determine the culprit. Mom threw the remaining candy into the trash and gave us sliced carrots instead. “No more candy for you!” said the candy Nazi (Mom). From that day forward, every Halloween meant an evening of bobbing for homemade granola out of a bucket on the back porch. Bummer!

It’s amazing how a lack of gasoline can be so inspiring. I live in Atlanta, Georgia, and for the past two days, if you wanted gas, you first had to find a station selling it, and then wait in line to get it. So up until 4:00 A.M. this morning (when I went on a gas scouting mission), I haven’t had much to do but browse the Intrawebs ™. I never realized how much great stuff Amazon sells till now. I stumbled upon one neat product after the other. Sadly, since I’m bailing out Wall Street, I really have no money to buy any of it. But it sure is fun to look…

Cereal-On-The-Go

Have you ever wanted to eat cereal in the future, like some time-traveling robot? I dream about it all the time. Cereal-On-The-Go fulfills that innermost desire. It’s a Rube Goldberg device that holds both dry cereal and milk in a single container; both are kept apart by an insulated wall. Take this device wherever you go - haberdashery, dentist, Quiznos - then when the urge hits, you just mix the milk into your Fruity Pebbles, and you’re eating cereal like nobody’s bidness.

Microwave Bacon Genie

I like bacon as much as the next fat guy, but I don’t like the flaming peanut oil that flies off the frying pan. The Microwave Bacon Genie (MBG) solves that problem. You simply place eighteen strips of bacon on it, slap it into the microwave, and within fifteen seconds, you’re on your way to atherosclerosis heaven. The bacon grease drains into a special tray, and makes for an excellent dipping sauce. Universal health care, here I come!

LifeHammer Emergency Hammer

I wish I had one of these when I was working as a stuntman. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been upside down in a car, trapped by the seatbelt as the car was submerging. The LifeHammer is a combination knife and hammer. The knife allows you to cut through seat belts, Corinthian leather, and other automobile detritus. The hammer allows you to quickly smash out your window with single flick of the wrist. You might say it’s the Swiss Army Knife of Hammers, minus the corkscrew.

The Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier

Can you hear me now? Are you over sixty? Do you want to look like Mr. Roboto? If you answered “No, yes, Hell yeah,” then the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier is for you. It’s a hearing aid in the form of a Bluetooth headset. You can wear it without the embarrassment of having an actual hearing aid. It’s also great for people who can hear - you can now hang out in Starbucks and be as annoying as the guy behind you, but without the high price tag of a real Bluetooth headset. Of course, if you’re deaf in both ears and require two headsets, you’ll look quite stupid, but that’s a small price to pay for fashion (?).

Topsy Turvy Upside-Down Tomato Grower

There’s an interesting fact about the tomatoes you find in your local grocery store. They’re shipped green from the field, and ripened at the factory with ethylene gas before they’re sent to the grocery store. That’s why store-bought tomatoes taste so bland - it’s because they were green a day before you bought them. The upside-down grower eliminates the need for such gassing, or the need to move off your couch. Just place the grower over your couch; as the tomatoes ripen, they’ll fall right into your mouth. It can also be used to grow Zucchini or herbs.

Marshmallow Popper Shooter

When the Subway samich artist failed to put enough Canadian bacon on my B.M.T, I dropped back and pulled my marshmallow shooter from my trench coat, and then I went Columbine on her {expletive}. Her initial screams of fear were replaced with shouts of joy as she started catching the delicious creamy mounds with her mouth. This, my friends, is how you get more meat on your samich. Try it sometime.

Cat Talk: How To Tell What Your Cat is Telling You

I’ll save you the expense of buying the book. Your cat is trying to tell you:

• If you die in your sleep, I’ll eat you before the coroner arrives. I have no shame.
• Look, can’t you find another pillow?
• I’m sorry. Was this your last roll of toilet paper? Was it that super-strong variety I’ve heard so much about? ‘Cause it sure was crunchy.

Inch-Master Waistband Stretcher

If you’re like me, you try to save money by buying 99-cent hamburgers. Unfortunately, that results in an expanding waistline. Rather than lose the weight, I suggest living with it. This pant-stretching device is the key to living with obesity. As your waist grows, you merely place this device in your pants after washing them, and the expander slowly widens your pants over time. Eventually, the fabric on your pants will become so thin, other people will be able to see your privates.