Brad Brown

The big brown trucks driven by UPS drivers are called package cars. When I worked at UPS Corporate, a retiree (to whom I’ll give the pseudonym “George Hamilton,” given his resemblance to overcooked bacon) gave me a miniature die-cast package car. The truck is similar to the one shown above, except the one I’m giving away is mounted to a block of wood (suitable for placing on your awards credenza), and it’s painted with the old UPS logo. It was manufactured for UPS’s 90th birthday celebration in 1997.
 

The Contest

To enter the contest, leave a comment below, listing the URLs of your three favorite blogs or websites (any URL besides mine; PG sites only please). Self-promotion is encouraged, so don’t be reticent to list your personal site. If it sucks, the audience will let you know. The winner will be picked by random drawing at a random time on Sunday, November 23rd, 2008. I will ship anywhere in the universe, as long as the shipping cost is under $25.00 USD [assuming the dollar still has value by the time you read this]. If you need any clarification of the rules, email me.

 

Unsolicited Trivia

• There are no radios in a real package car. By leaving out the radio, it allows more time for drivers to talk with their mistresses via cell phone.
• The top of a UPS truck is white, not brown. It’s a coating called Super Therm®, applied to reduce interior temps (it’s also used to prevent the Space Shuttle from melting). Without this coating, the inside of a UPS truck would reach temperatures of 170+ degrees in a matter of minutes during the summer.
• If you wonder why you never see old UPS trucks on the road, it’s because they’re crushed when they reach end of life. Otherwise, an enterprising criminal could purchase a truck and use it as a base for mischief. UPS drivers are trusted entities, and it would quite easy for a thief to gain access to potential loot by posing as a driver.

 

Questions Asked Frequently

1. How much is it worth?
    
   I don’t know. Given that it’s eleven years old and not readily available on eBay, I would assume it would be worth $30 or more. There are three strips of visible transparent tape (?) on the commemorative box, so that might diminish the overall value.
    
2. How big is it?
    
   That’s what she said. But seriously…the car itself is about 4×3x2 inches. The block on which it’s mounted is about 5×7 inches, and is made of a stained pressed wood.

A fortnight ago, I discovered the missing gargoyle from my gargoyle perimeter that I had originally setup during 2001 (to ward off the evil of the suburbs). She disappeared in 2002. I recently found her guarding the Water Pik on a basement shelf. Now, in an effort to stimulate the economy, I’m giving her away to you, the loyal BradBrown.com reader.
 

The Prize

The gargoyle (we’ll call her Megan Fox) is made of a mystery substance, which I’ve named σκυρόδεμα. When I tap her with my fingernail, she sounds like concrete (if you’ve ever tapped concrete, you know what I’m talking about). Near the bottom of her rear are several hieroglyphics, which translate into “J. Scott © 195.” My assumption is that she was created 195 years after the death of Christ, but I could be wrong. Above the hieroglyphics are two tiny wings.
 

The Contest

To enter the contest, leave a comment here describing what you think Megan is pondering. The winner will be picked by random drawing at a random time on Sunday, October 26th, 2008. I will ship anywhere in the universe, as long as the shipping cost is under $25.00 USD [assuming the dollar still has value by the time you read this]. If you need any clarification on the rules, email me.
 

Sample Musings

In case you’re asking yourself what to write, here are some samples:

• “I knew I should have chosen Charlie Sheen as my running mate!”
• “I could have sworn the box read ’suppository’.”
• “I don’t look anything like Angelina Jolie, except maybe for the horns.”
• “If he calls me ‘my friend’ one more time, I’m going to eat him.”
• “God, I hope they don’t realize I’m not wearing pants.”

 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. You said this gargoyle had changed your life. How?
    
   No. You’re confusing the gargoyle with the “Big Sexy Uncle” hat. That hat is currently on a sailboat headed to Disney animator Marv in Australia (seriously).

 

2. How much is this gargoyle worth?
    
   My gargoyle pricing guide says between three and four dollars.

 

3. What else are you giving away in the future?
    
   A diamond ring, a UPS package car, Danish sugar cookies - these are just three of the many items you’ll see in the upcoming months. So come back every eight hours or so to see what I’m giving away next. If I’m not giving it away, you can always buy it at Amazon.

If Barack Obama can give back by dedicating his life to public service, I think the least that I can do is to give one of my adoring readers a stuffed dog wrapped in swaddling gauze. He has a warning label dangling from his crotch, and a heart-shaped tag around his neck (Puffy, not Obama). On Sunday, September 14th, I’ll give Puffy away to a random participant in the BradBrown.com experience. If you’ve ever made a comment or linked to my site, even as far back as 1995, you’re already eligible to win; you can just sit back and take no action, unless you feel that prayers to the major deities will improve your chances of winning. If you’ve never made a comment or linked to my site, now is your chance to do so. Go for the gold!