Brad Brown

Choking hazard. Small parts. Not for children under 3 years.

Syncor

In 1998, I started work as a contract programmer at Syncor, a major radiopharmaceutical company. They make the chemicals that X-ray technicians inject you with before X-rays are taken. These chemicals cause organs to appear more clearly on the X-ray so the doctor can see them better. If you’ve ever gone in for an X-ray, there’s a slight possibility that the chemical you were injected with was manufactured with software that I wrote. However, if you’ve ever had an adverse reaction, it was probably due to software written by one of my Indian co-workers.
 
About the same time I started at Syncor, Britney Spears released the album “Baby One More Time.” As Britney’s fame grew, the thoughts of my co-workers often turned to her, often at the expense of the Budweiser girls who worked on the floor below us. Apparently, I was her biggest fan, because a couple of weeks before Kwanzaa, a Britney Spears doll appeared on my desk. My co-workers showed their undying devotion to me by buying me Britney Spears!

 
I placed Britney on top of my computer monitor, and while coding, I’d occasionally look up her skirt for inspiration. Britney stayed with me through three years at Syncor, but when I switched jobs, she found a permanent place on my CD cabinet at home. When my girlfriend moved in, Britney moved to the prize closet. Now, Britney is moving to your house!
 

The Rules

I’ll be giving away one Britney Spears doll on Sunday, August 3, 2008 [at a random time picked by me]. Just leave a comment (19 words or more) telling me what characteristics you share with Britney Spears. Here are some examples:

• “I have two kids and a redneck husband. I’m from the nether regions of Louisiana. My hair extensions are highly flammable.”
• “I lost my virginity to Justin Timberlake at the age of 13. I once dated Dennis Rodman. My classmates call me Wonky McValtrex.

I will pick a random entry on August 3rd from all the comments. I’m willing to ship her anywhere in the continental US, or Canada. Millions will enter; one will win.
 

Frequently Asked Questions

• Is Britney wearing any panties?
   
  I say yes. There seems to be a gauze-like material where her crotch is. My friend Dick says no. When you get the doll, feel free to report back.
   
• What is Britney’s special message to her fans?
   
  “Make your dreams come true.” (Yes, I’m serious. It says that on the box.)
   
• Your prizes always suck. What’s up with that?
   
  “Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference.” - Libbie Fudim.

Motivation

Gargoyles have been used for centuries to ward off evil. I’ve decided to live on the edge by giving away the gargoyles that have been guarding my living room for the past eight years.

Click for Scarier Image

The Rules

I’ll be giving away one gargoyle each week for the next three weeks. Just leave a comment (22 words or more) telling the world why you deserve one. BradBrown.com will pick a random entry on June 1st. That winner will get to pick from the three gargoyles shown above. I’ll pick a random entry on June 8th. That second winner will get to pick from the remaining two gargoyles. I’ll pick a final winner on June 15th. The last winner will get the remaining gargoyle. I’ll make up any missing rules as the contest progresses. It doesn’t get any easier than this. Millions will enter; three will win.
 

Frequently Asked Questions

• Why is the photo so washed out?
   
  It’s not washed out. What you’re seeing are the forces of evil surrounding the gargoyles. Ideally, you’d want to place one gargoyle in each of the four corners of a room. However, when you line them up, you decrease their evil fighting potential, and the forces of darkness manifest themselves via light.

 

• You’re giving away three gargoyles, yet you recommend one for each corner of the room. What happened to your fourth gargoyle?
   
  He scared my girlfriend, so she put him in a box. Then she accidentally gave the box to our friends at Goodwill.

 

• Is the gargoyle on the left wearing an ascot like Fred from Scooby Doo?
   
  It’s actually a ribbon of some sort. He’s still pretty masculine though.

 

• What are the gargoyles made of?
   
  The large one on the left is made of some mystery plaster of Paris substance. The middle one is made of concrete. The one on the far right is made of a smoother, concrete substance. In other words, I have no idea.

 

• Where do these gargoyles come from?
   
  They were purchased in Asheville, North Carolina. I suspect they were forged in the heavens.

 

• Your prizes always suck. What’s up with that?
   
  “Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy” - Richard Linklater.

Back in 2001, when I was riding the crest of the dot-com revolution, I invested in a collector’s item that would change my life. I purchased a baseball cap with the words “Big Sexy Uncle” emblazoned on it. I put the hat on my conversation-piece shelf and would stare at it occasionally, daydreaming of the day I would wear it while commanding a battleship in the South Pacific. But that day never came. Eventually, the hat ended up in the prize closet. The other day, as I was thinking of ways to reward the millions of loyal BradBrown.com readers, I decided to check the prize closet, and I discovered the hat behind my secret demo recordings of the forthcoming Stone Temple Pilots record. It was then I decided that I must hold a contest to give the hat away.
 
The Prize
The BSU hat is a fine navy blue one-size-fits-all hat. The words “Big Sexy Uncle” are painted on the front, with embroidered wings on the bill (similar to what Army Rangers wear).

This hat is perfect for one of the following types of people:

• The Magnum P.I. type who’s dating a younger woman - a woman who you refer to as your “niece.”
• The twenty-year-old guy who hangs out in high school parking lots, attempting to bond with young teenage girls via a white Chevy van filled with Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers.
• Sarah Larson. This hat would make a great gag gift for you to give George Clooney

The Contest
To enter the contest, post a blog on your website describing my contest, and link to my home page BradBrown.com. Then leave a comment here on this post to let me know about your entry. The deadline for entry is Saturday May 3rd, 2008 at 11:59 A.M. EST. I will then validate all the entry postings. The winner will be picked by random drawing on Sunday May 4th at 11:59 A.M. EST. Sites with objectionable content (adult sites, AdSense farms, spam sites, etc) will not be eligible to win. I will notify you if your entry has been rejected. The dishrag, kitchen sink, kitchen counter, fake plant, and icecube trays are shown in the photos for artistic purposes only and not included with the cap. If you need any clarification on the rules, email me.
 
Sample Postings
In case you’re asking yourself “What should I put in my post?,” here are three sample posts (feel free to copy and use verbatim):

• Win a Free Cap! - Brad Brown at BradBrown.com is giving away a lousy cap that he’s had in his closet for seven years. Go to his website, BradBrown.com, for entry details. This is sure to be the worst blog contest I’ve seen in years.
• How Not To Hold a Blog Contest - Brad Brown at BradBrown.com is giving away a collector’s item (assuming you’re a collector of vintage 2000-era baseball caps). Go to his website, BradBrown.com, for entry details and to buy random products from Amazon.
• Ten Ways To Pretend You’re Still in a Fraternity - 10. Wear a baseball cap all the time. You can win a free one at BradBrown.com.

 
Frequently Asked Questions

1. You said this cap had changed your life. How?
    
   That was a lie that just sounded so good in print, I decided to leave it

 

2. Has this cap ever been worn?
    
   No. It’s essentially new, not counting a light layer of dust from having sat in a prize closet for seven years

 

3. How much is this hat worth?
    
   I’d say forty cents of quality nylon, combined with eighteen cents of Chinese labor, equals about a dollar or so (using American math).

 

4. What else will you be giving away in the future?
    
   A diamond ring, a camera, concrete gargoyles, a classic MacBook - these are just four of the items you’ll see in the upcoming months. So come back every eight hours or so to see what I’m giving away next.