“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known. Can’t live for tomorrow.” - Smashing Pumpkins.
Last December, when I lost my job at the peanut butter factory, I began to worry. The job market for peanut butter taste-testers has never been good, even in a boom economy. After a couple of weeks of looking for another job, I gave up, abandoned my family and McMansion, and moved to a seedy hotel. It didn’t occur to me that I’d be trading the stress of unemployment for the pleasure of lounging my days away with hookers and drug dealers (in a purely platonic, neighborly sense). I had to find something to do with my free time; otherwise, I’d go nuts and start shooting.
The grand idea occurred to me when I was buying groceries at my local Target Superstore. While walking through the aisles, I thought to myself, “Wow, this place sure is bright and cheery. They have everything you could want - food, clothing, and furniture. Sweet Jesus! I should move in here!” Obviously, living at a Target 24/7 would draw suspicion, but I am happy to report that I’ve been able to spend most of my waking hours living at Target over the past month, and that in turn has greatly improved my outlook on life. “How do I do it,” you ask? Good question…
If you’re wearing Dockers pants and a red polo shirt right now, skip to the next paragraph. If not, here’s how to procure steal them. Walk into your nearest Target, and grab a pair of Dockers, a red polo, and scissors. Walk down the center aisle to the back of the store. Assuming your store layout is similar to the 123,941 other Target stores, there should be a hallway with swinging double doors. Walk through the doors with authority - this is an employees-only area and if you show reticence, you’ll be spotted in a minute. Locate the bathroom and change into the uniform. Be sure to remove the rectangular security tag, otherwise the alarm will sound when you leave at the end of the day. You’re halfway to faux employee!
A normal Target shirt has a Target logo on the imprinted left breast. Your shirt does not. The best way to overcome this flaw is to place a badge or button of some sort over your left breast, so that it appears as if you’re obscuring a logo. I wear an “I love Miley Cyrus” button, which endears me to the younger employees. Alternatively, you might be able to find a red apron in the employee locker room; this would cover your shirt as well. Once you’re fully attired, get the hell out of the bathroom and start enjoying your new retail life.
The great thing about living in a Target superstore is the amount of food available. I’ve discovered a great way to snack throughout the day without getting caught. Here’s how:
- Grab a Sharpie and a 3×5 card from the office supplies department.
- Walk into the furniture department and grab a stool. Carry the stool to the kitchen accessories section.
- Grab a large Tupperware bowl. Now make your way to the snack foods section.
- Put the bowl on the stool. Open a bag of your favorite brand of potato chip and pour them in the bowl.
- Write the words “Free Sample” on the 3×5 card and place it beside the bowl.
- Walk around the store aimlessly, returning every ten minutes for a handful of chips.
- When the bowl is empty, return the bowl and stool to their respective departments.
By alternating where you setup the stool, you can eat whatever you want without actually buying anything.
Power Napping Locations
Napping without getting caught is the hardest part of living at Target. If your Target has a furniture display with beds, then the best place to sleep is on the floor underneath the mattress. You can spend all day underneath there without being noticed. If your Target has a garden section, then another alternative is to sleep on the high shelves; usually, there isn’t much traffic in the garden section, so you can usually climb the shelves without being noticed. If someone asks what you’re doing, just say that you’re grabbing a garden hose for a customer at register 5.
Bonding with the Customers
Although Target meets the basic needs of life, it’ll get pretty boring if all you do is nap or eat. I spend the majority of my days walking throughout the store and helping confused customers. Here’s a sampling of my encounters from this past week:
Customer: “I need to get an HDMI cable for my TV. Will this one work?”
Brad: “It’ll work, but the price is outrageous. You can get it cheaper at Wal-Mart.”
Customer: “Is this generic macaroni and cheese any good?”
Brad: “Lady, it tastes like ass. Don’t scrimp on mac and cheese.”
Customer (discretely): “Where are your condoms located?”
Brad: “I’ll be honest with you. You look like Mickey Rourke, only more unattractive. Do you really think you’re going to get laid? Instead, how about some Nyquil to take the edge off?”
Q&A
- What if a manager challenges me and asks me who I am?
Point to something behind him and loudly yell, “Hey, it’s Katie Couric!” Run in the opposite direction.
- Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a job at Target?
Working introduces accountability into the equation. It’s easier to be reckless if you’re not getting paid.
- What are you going to do once Target discovers your plan?
By that time, Obama will have created millions of bridge-building jobs. I will join my Mexican friends and spend my days in the hot sun driving a bulldozer, rebuilding America one bridge at a time (at least until the funding runs out).
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