Brad Brown

“I’m winning.” - Russ Ballard.
 
“Tell me I sold out. Go ahead…” - Butch Walker.

 
My nephew Raffaello recently purchased a rare, unopened copy of the Nintendo video game “Bubble Bath Babes.” He paid a flea market vendor one dollar for the game, and then Raffaello turned around and sold it on eBay for $18,321. Inspired by his success, I’ve formulated a similar plan to buy cheap domain names and then resell them on GoDaddy. It goes something like this…
 

The Law of Repulsion

I remember watching a scene from the movie “The Secret,” where a kid wishes for a bike, and within minutes, an aging child-molester delivers a red Schwinn to him at the back door (My friend(s) tell me that this was the kid’s grandfather and not a molester, but it’s really not stated in the movie). This principle is called “The Law of Attraction.” First, you must ask the universe (or the major deity of your choice) for something - it could be a ham samich or a Brazilian hooker - whatever you want, ask for it (silently, otherwise they’ll think you’re nuts). Then you must believe that the item will be delivered to you in a timely manner.
 
In this particular instance, I’m asking for $31,482 to pay off a gambling debt before the Cosa Nostra puts a bullet in my head. In theory, I could just start believing (”I’m sure it will happen, I’m sure it will happen…”), and within a few days, a manila envelope containing the money would appear on my door step (”Thank you, Jesus,” I would exclaim). However, I find that dealing with the universe is a crap shoot, so I’ve added some manual steps to this specious method for making money. God could say “no” to my needs, yet I’d still be in the game.
 

Waiting for a Scandal to Arrive

Right now, someone is somewhere and they’re doing something illegal. Most likely it’s a politician or Miley Cyrus. When news of these scandals hits the television networks, people immediately turn to Google to search for additional details or nude photos (or both). It’s human nature to be curious, and now we can be curious without leaving our computer. For the past several days, I’ve been Googling “Rod Blogo” (I couldn’t spell Blagojevich), because I’m enthralled with his impending doom (it takes my mind off my own). It occurred to me that others might be Googling him as well, and then I noticed that some of the domain names relating to him were still available for purchase. This brings us to the most important step of my method (humans love steps - it gives them an easy way to track progress.):
 

Buy as many domain names relating to the scandal as early as possible.

 
That is the key step - some have paid thousands to hear me say that single sentence during my Ramada Inn seminars, but I’m giving it to you here, because I’m a generous bastard.
 
In my case, I purchased the following domains, and then I put them up for auction at GoDaddy:

• BribeBlagojevich.com
• BlagosBribes.com
• BribeBlago.com
• RodBlogojevich.com
• RodBlago.com
• RodBlogo.com

Each of these auctions ends next weekend, and it’ll be interesting to see what happens between now and then. There are several possible scenarios I’ve thought of.

Scenario One: Nirvana

On Monday, December 15th, Brad’s domain auction article gets picked up by the national right-wing press. Sean Hannity mentions BradBrown.com on the air, resulting in two million hits in one hour and a meltdown of the server. BradBrown.com’s ad revenue spikes, and now Brad can afford chicken strips in addition to his Papa John’s pizza.
 
On Tuesday, Brad receives death threats from several prominent Illinois Democrats, including “Senate Candidate #14.” Brad goes into hiding at a cheap hotel next to Club Le Vela in Panama City Beach, Florida.
 
By Wednesday, the bidding on each domain name has surpassed $100,000. Brad contemplates buying a Kia dealership.
 
On Saturday afternoon, thirty minutes before the first auction ends, Soledad O’Brien interviews Brad on CNN, and she asks him if he feels bad about profiting from the misery of failed politicians, ex-pesh-ially during times when others are out of work. Brad replies, “No, not really. What’s up with that Adrianna Costa?”
 
On Sunday, after the auctions are over, Brad pays off the Mafia, and then breaks ground on his Kia dealership.
 

Scenario Two: Stairway to Cleveland

On Monday, December 15th, Brad’s domain auction article gets eighteen hits from the popular news aggregators Digg and Reddit. Brad thinks his luck is finally changing for the better.
 
On Tuesday, BradBrown.com’s ad revenue drops off precipitously, making Brad doubt himself.
 
On Wednesday, Brad calls the CNN operator, mentions that he’s a new-media maverick, and then demands to speak with Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room. The operator hangs up, but not before mentioning that the Situation Room is a television show, and not an actual room.
 
On Thursday, Brad sells blood plasma to keep the web servers running.
 
On Friday, Brad receives a cease-and-desist letter from Rod Blagojevich’s lawyer. Brad promptly frames it and begins calling his friends over to take a look.
 
On Saturday, the first auction ends, and the ending bid is $17.99, ten dollars more than what Brad purchased the domain for. This means Brad can only afford a medium one-topping pizza from Little Caesar’s.
 
On Sunday, after all the auctions have ended, Brad nets $47.34. Discouraged, Brad buys a Greyhound bus ticket and heads to Hollywood for a career in food service. $47.34 only gets Brad as far as Idaho, where he resorts to “hustling” to get the money needed to continue to Hollywood.
 

Method Summary

1. Use the Law of Attraction to give your endeavor the extra edge. It may be worthless, but in the game of life, you’re bound to hit something by throwing more darts.
2. When a scandal occurs, immediately buy domain names relating to the scandal.
3. List those domain names on your favorite auction site. I chose GoDaddy.com, because that’s the name BradBrown.com knows and trusts.
4. Wait for it….Wait for it…
5. Profit!

It really is that easy!
 

Frequently Axed Questions

1. Do you realize that you spelled RodBlogojevich.com incorrectly?
    
   Yes. Luckily, no one can spell these days, so whoever buys the domain will still get millions of hits per day.
    
2. Does this method work all the time?
    
   The majority of the time it does. Sometimes, you lose. In 1998, I purchased the domain name Cajones.com for $100, thinking it meant ‘testicles” in Spanish. In reality, it means “lawn furniture.” The word I was looking for was “cojones,” not “cajones.” Eventually, I was forced to sell Cajones.com for $18.65.

Motivation

Resigning from your job is like a television show. It can be dry and blunt, in which case it’s hardly noticed. Alternatively, it can be capricious and exciting like “Seinfeld” and it’ll foster fond memories for years after you’ve left the company. I prefer the latter. Here’s my guide for a meaningful and enjoyable job resignation. Your company won’t know what hit them, but they’ll laugh like Catholic schoolgirls after it’s over.
 

Drop Hints Of Your Departure

The most exciting part of the movie “Jaws” wasn’t the shark attack itself, but the suspense leading up to the attack, compounded by the shark’s theme song. Resignations should have the same increasing intensity. Don’t just quit - start hinting at your departure weeks before, and gradually increase the frequency of those hints as the day approaches. The facial expressions of your co-workers will be priceless - the confused look of “Is he hinting at what I think he is?” Here are some samples:
 

Co-worker: “Brad, Atlanta Depreciation and Loan just called. They need that report by tomorrow!”
Brad: “I hope it all works out for them.”

Staff Manager: “Brad, your TPS report is missing the cover page. I can’t accept this report without a cover page.”
Brad: “Sorry. Give it back to me and I’ll correct it within two weeks.”

Project Manager: “Brad, we’ve got six months of work that needs to be completed within three. Do you think you can do it? You’re our only hope.”
Brad: “Sure. If I don’t quit abruptly, we can probably do it in one.”

Letter of Resignation

Keep it simple. Here’s a template:

Dear Mr. अभिलाषा इन्द्रजित (a.k.a. “Jerry”):
 
I am writing to announce my resignation from White Castle, effective two weeks from this date.
 
This was not an easy decision to make, on my part. The past nine days have been very rewarding. I’ve enjoyed working for you and managing a very successful team dedicated to a quality, tiny burger delivered hot and promptly.
 
Thank you for the opportunities for retardation that you have provided me.
 
Sincerely,
Adriana Lima

Informing Your Staff

If you don’t have a staff, you should get one; underlings are quite enjoyable. For those employees that you loathe, I recommend stopping by their cubicle and whispering “You’re {expletive}-ed!” into their ear, and then walking away without explanation. For those employees you do like, I recommend breaking the news while simultaneously giving a little token of your appreciation. For instance:

Brad: “Janine, I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving the company. As a token of my appreciation, I’d like to give you this Dwight Schrute bobble head doll.”
 
Janine: “Brad, you were always my favorite manager. I will miss your stern discipline and gentle mentoring. Thank you for this token. I will cherish it forever.”

Outrageous Reasons for Leaving

“I’ve found a new job” is too passé. Spice up your departure with an interesting reason for leaving. You’ll be the envy of your co-workers, which is an odd thought, given that they’re the same people you’ll want to avoid after you’re gone. Here are some samples:

• “I’m joining a think tank. Perhaps you’ve heard of them…The Edwin O. Reischauer Center for Burrito Consumption?”
• “Barack Obama called. He wants me to be Secretary of New Media Mavericks.”
• “I’m on a mission from God.” [don’t bother getting more specific]
• “I’m the new host of Pants Off Dance Off.”
• “I felt it was time to put my gynecological skills to good use.”

Informing Your Co-workers

In 2001, my friend Steve announced his departure from Alogent by sending out the most insincere email to the entire company. I recommend doing the same thing. It’ll make those who know you laugh, and it’ll make those who don’t know you think you’re gracious. Either way, you’ll appear to be a winner. I’ve been using the same departure letter for the past seven years. Feel free to take it and use it as your own.

As most of you know, Wednesday October 1st is my last day as an employee of VSoft. It’s been an exciting 5+ months and all I can say is that I have been very fortunate to have had the opportunity to be in this industry and at VSoft. What an incredible chance to work with such a great set of people! I was also very fortunate to be in an environment that allowed me to work on a team that was able to have such a positive and significant impact on the way people work with banking technology.
 
Thank you for your timely guidance and encouragement. Even though I will miss you all and the company very much, I am looking forward to this new job and the opportunity of beginning a new phase of my career as a mesothelioma lawyer.
 
You can keep in touch with me at my blog: http://www.BradBrown.com
 
Please direct any future custom development questions to Corina Stergiadou at extension 666.
 
Good luck,
Brad Brown
“Live. Take Charge. Change!” ™

 
The “Live. Take Charge. Change!” tripe was stolen from a United Way promotion at UPS. I liked it so much I added it to my resignation letter when I quit UPS.
 

The Final Walkthrough

Do not just walk out the door on your final day - that would leave no impression whatsoever. First, tape a note to the garbage can to thank the cleaning staff (”Brilliant work Valdez! Maybe next time you can get all the trash.”). Next, walk through all the cubes, greet those you’ve never met before (”Hey chubby Chinese guy. Just wanted to say goodbye and let you know I’ll miss those passive-aggressive phone conversations you had with your overbearing wife. Good luck with the vasectomy.”). Go into the break room, and stuff your favorite Gevalia coffee pods into your pants for use at the new job. Walk by Human Resources, and perform an act prohibited by the employee handbook (”Wendy, you’re hot. Let’s go bowling sometime.”). Finally, walk past the CEO’s office, introduce yourself, ask “What’s wrong with you?” and leave the building before security folds your knees back.
 
[Brad’s note: After you’ve quit, you may feel the need to purchase gadgets to play with during your vacation. I recommend my article “Amazing Products You Don’t Really Need.” Eventually, you may have no money for food. For that, I recommend reading my “2008 Recession Survival Guide” before your power is cut off.]

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” - Jackie Mason.

It’s a good thing I don’t drink heavily, because if I did, I’d want a drink right now because of the sagging economy, but I wouldn’t be able to afford it. DOH! I was lucky to find a new job before my former employer (a software development company) started slowly sinking. Now I’m stuffing envelopes at home and making thousands per day. I realize that my readers might not be so lucky, so I’ve consulted with the best minds in the business (Rachael Ray, Clark Howard, Kendra Wilkinson) to create a list of money-saving tips that will enable you to conserve money come recession, depression, or Armageddon (Αρμαγεδδων). Enjoy!
 

Victuals Out of Nowhere

• Ketchup Soup

  Walk into your favorite fast food restaurant, grab a handful of ketchup, salt, and pepper packets, and run like the dickens. When you arrive home, mix four ketchup packets per cup of water in a soup pan. Add salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil, and then remove from heat. Serve with stolen crackers for an added treat!
   

• Sawdust Chips

  Most view sawdust as an unfortunate byproduct of the construction process, but I find that it can be a great between-meal snack. Walk through your favorite abandoned subdivision and collect as many buckets of sawdust as your Vespa can carry. Avoid sawdust mixed with powdered concrete - it’ll only give you gas. Assuming you’re able to make it home without being hit by a Humvee, mix two cups of sawdust with one cup water. Add stolen salt and pepper to taste. When finished, you should have something that resembles the consistency of moist flour. Flatten this mixture into a pie pan and bake at 400 degrees until firm. Crack into bite size bits for a treat so unique, you’ll wish you had tried it sooner.
   

• Dog Food

  Twenty years ago, I was sitting in quantum physics, when Dr. WhatsHisName walked into the auditorium with a can of Alpo and a can opener. He had told us in a previous lecture that dog food was safe for human consumption and that he’d prove it to us in the next lecture. He popped open the can and ate a spoonful, then invited others down for a taste. Two or three students partook of the offering. I was not one of them. However, over time, I’ve come to love dog food. It’s filling, and you can eat it right out of the can. Sure, you might ingest a little melamine once in a while, but that’s a small price to pay for deliciousness.
   

Xmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah Gifts

Cult membership doesn’t have to be expensive. Here’s how you can save on gifts during the upcoming holidays.

• Corn Husk Dolls

  In elementary school, we took a field trip to a historic town called Westville (”Where it’s always 1865 and sad.”). The highlight of the trip was learning how to make corn husk dolls. The only materials you need are several corn husks and some string. Tie a string tightly around the top of one of the husks; everything above the string is the head. Feel free to draw a face if you’re feeling artistic. Tie another string tightly around the bottom of the husk; the legs are everything below the string. Add realism by drawing a crotch and some shoes. Give the finished product to your child and watch his face light up with glee!
   

• Counterfeit Products

  If you insist on spending money, I recommend nothing but the semi-best: counterfeit products. The best way to find counterfeit stuff is to go to flea markets. Look for the seediest person you can find, and ask them, “Do you know where I can find an ‘inexpensive’ Rolex?” It’s important to emphasize the word “inexpensive,” as well as to follow up with a wink. Within minutes, you’ll be ensconced in faux heaven, surrounded by Naugahyde Gucci handbags and gold-colored Rollexx ™ watches. Given the dumbing down of America’s educational system by the Illuminati, your relatives won’t know the difference between fake and real brands, and they’ll be so surprised you put in the extra effort to give them a name-brand gift. Remember, sincerity doesn’t have to cost a lot.
   

Variegation

• Moonshine in One Paragraph

  Smash some corn kernels into tiny bits; I find that a brick against a concrete driveway works best. Pour the corn into a bucket and add enough water to just cover the corn. Add one packet of yeast per quart of water used. Put the bucket somewhere safe. Check it once a day. Once it smells nice and fermented, pour some of the mash mixture into a jelly jar. Knock a hole in the jelly jar cap with a nail, then run copper tubing from that jelly jar to a another jelly jar. Boil the jar containing the mash mixture in a pan of water, while keeping the other jar in a pot of ice water. Within minutes, moonshine will start condensing in the empty jar. You’ll produce about one tablespoon per quart of mash. It might not be enough to sell to the public, but it’ll be enough to ease your pain.
   

• Photos of Women in Bikinis

Nothing brings joy to the face of a penniless man than the thought of scantily-clad women. Assuming you’ve had your cable TV turned off to save money, your only outlet for this may be browsing the Intrawebs® via your iPhone. Because you’ve been drinking heavily, you probably don’t have the ability to type, but you probably have just enough coordination to click. With this in mind, I’ve created the abnormally large links below. These links won’t take the place of a job, but you will find it makes the time pass faster while waiting for interviews.
 

Google Bikini Search

Flickr Bikini Search

MSN Bikini Search

 

I haven’t forgotten about the needs of the impecunious woman, or the penurious gay man:
 

Google Hunk Search

Flickr Hunk Search

MSN Hunk Search

 

¿Conclusión?

I hope you’ve enjoyed this timely list of money-saving tips. Be sure to come back in 2009 and 2010 for updated recession survival guides. You can bet your last money (literally), it’s gonna be a stone gas!