Brad Brown

The big brown trucks driven by UPS drivers are called package cars. When I worked at UPS Corporate, a retiree (to whom I’ll give the pseudonym “George Hamilton,” given his resemblance to overcooked bacon) gave me a miniature die-cast package car. The truck is similar to the one shown above, except the one I’m giving away is mounted to a block of wood (suitable for placing on your awards credenza), and it’s painted with the old UPS logo. It was manufactured for UPS’s 90th birthday celebration in 1997.
 

The Contest

To enter the contest, leave a comment below, listing the URLs of your three favorite blogs or websites (any URL besides mine; PG sites only please). Self-promotion is encouraged, so don’t be reticent to list your personal site. If it sucks, the audience will let you know. The winner will be picked by random drawing at a random time on Sunday, November 23rd, 2008. I will ship anywhere in the universe, as long as the shipping cost is under $25.00 USD [assuming the dollar still has value by the time you read this]. If you need any clarification of the rules, email me.

Unsolicited Trivia

• There are no radios in a real package car. By leaving out the radio, it allows more time for drivers to talk with their mistresses via cell phone.
• The top of a UPS truck is white, not brown. It’s a coating called Super Therm®, applied to reduce interior temps (it’s also used to prevent the Space Shuttle from melting). Without this coating, the inside of a UPS truck would reach temperatures of 170+ degrees in a matter of minutes during the summer.
• If you wonder why you never see old UPS trucks on the road, it’s because they’re crushed when they reach end of life. Otherwise, an enterprising criminal could purchase a truck and use it as a base for mischief. UPS drivers are trusted entities, and it would quite easy for a thief to gain access to potential loot by posing as a driver.

Questions Asked Frequently

1. How much is it worth?
    
   I don’t know. Given that it’s eleven years old and not readily available on eBay, I would assume it would be worth $30 or more. There are three strips of visible transparent tape (?) on the commemorative box, so that might diminish the overall value.
    
2. How big is it?
    
   That’s what she said. But seriously…the car itself is about 4×3x2 inches. The block on which it’s mounted is about 5×7 inches, and is made of a stained pressed wood.

[Author’s note: I worked for UPS Corporate for about 2.5 years from 2005 to 2007. I made a lot of observations while working there. I thought I’d share them here in a series of never-ending articles. If I end up being assassinated for writing this article, I’ll leave the evidence in that place I left that thing that time before].

1. The people who handle your packages are known internally as “throwers.”
2. A UPS driver makes only left-handed turns, unless he’s stopping by to have sex with your wife - then any turn, left or right, is fair game.
3. UPS owns the patent to the color Pullman Brown. Any use of this color by anyone else is strictly prohibited.
4. Jim Casey, the UPS founder, got his start by delivering heroin to drug addicts, and by tailing people. Of course, in those days, it was all perfectly legal. Today, we would frown upon his shady shenanigans.
5. Each year, UPS displays a United Way fundraising progress meter on the wall of the entrance to corporate. Unfortunately, it resembles a giant, engorged penis.
6. You are allowed to have a maximum of fifteen items on your desk. In the old days, desk patrol would write tickets for disorderly desks. These days, your boss will indicate violation through passive-aggressive behavior.
7. Tyler Perry, playwright and creator of the character Madea, is a former UPS employee.
8. UPS is the largest shipper of pornography in the world.
9. There is a bell in the UPS lobby. The CEO rings it whenever some major event happens, like a layoff or an acquisition. If you (a non-CEO) ring the bell without a corresponding major event, you’re fired.


Photo by Jon Rawlinson

10. I wasn’t kidding about the roaches in the coffee machine.
11. Brad Brown is not Antony Bordoli, but I am jealous of the publicity Antony has received, just for quitting his job.
12. The frozen body of founder Jim Casey is in a cryogenic chamber in the documentation archive in the basement at corporate headquarters.
13. It’s illegal to send non-urgent letters via UPS. This allows the United States Postal Service to maintain their postal monopoly for the good of mankind.
14. UPS employees don’t get discounts on shipping, which is why the majority of UPS employees ship DHL.
15. UPS employee badges contain RFID tags, which allow the company to track employee movement throughout every corporate-owned building. If you spend more that five minutes per hour in the bathroom, you are severely penalized.
16. UPS was approached by the producers of the movie “Castaway.” The producers asked if UPS wanted to be the shipping company that would appear in the movie. UPS said “no.” FedEx said “yes.” The movie grossed 483 million dollars.
17. Some guy (we’ll call him Dick) retired after 35 years. Dick took a celebratory vacation to Hawaii where he promptly died on the fourth hole of his first round of golf after retirement.
18. When UPS first opened in Germany, they had a hard time attracting customers due to public perception. They finally determined that they weren’t popular with the Germans because the UPS uniforms looked too much like Hitler’s SS uniforms. Today, German delivery drivers wear red unitards.

Any similarity between fiction and reality is purely intentional.
 

Brad and the Coffee Machine

Brad, in the course of his wanderings, came into the cafeteria. As he glided over the floor, he came upon a coffee machine standing there. After inserting coinage, coffee was not dispensed. In a rage, he turned upon the machine and tried to rock it back and forth. He could do no harm to the machine, and had soon to give over his wrath.
 
Moral of the story: There were roaches living in the coffee machine, so it wasn’t too much of a loss.
 

United Way and the Supervisor

The United Way representative came into the meeting room one day with a bucket in his hand, and he begged all the employees to make a small donation. The employees were fearful and each gave him five dollars. What did the United Way rep do but funnel the money into a fund to help undocumented workers obtain white-collar jobs. Eventually, the employees saw how foolish they had been in giving their enemy the means of destroying themselves.
 
Moral of the story: Pretty soon, the only jobs left will be in landscaping.
 

The Manager and the Intern

One day, a manager, out hunting by himself, flushed an intern from a cubicle and gave chase. The frightened intern gave the manager a long run and escaped into the women’s bathroom. As the disappointed manager turned back towards home, a passing supervisor said jeeringly, “You are a fine manager! Aren’t you ashamed you let a little woman half your size get away from you?” “You forget,” replied the manager, “that I was only running for lust, but the intern was running for her job!”
 
Moral of the story: Your sexual harassment hi-jinks are frowned upon by the ladies.

Brad and the Network Goober

Brad had gone down to the server room to see who had rebooted his server in the middle of the business day. Suddenly, he observed a chubby face glaring at him, and he became very frightened. Looking more closely, he found it was only a faux network administrator, such as the type used as a human shield during fierce gun battles. “Ah,” said Brad Brown, “you look very mean. It’s a pity you haven’t got any brains…and why in the hell did you reboot my server in the middle of the {expletive}-ing day?”
 
Moral of the story: At least the bastard wasn’t in charge of delivering packages.
 

The Manager and the Supervisor

A manager had been mismanaging a project he was in charge of, when suddenly his boss called and asked when the work would be done. He soon felt terrible pain in his head, and ran up and down the cubicle aisles groaning and seeking for someone to help with his problem. “I would give anything,” said he, “if someone would help me out.” At last, his minion (me), agreed to try, and told the manager to step aside while he corrected the messy work. Eight days later, the manager was praised for pulling off such a daring project.
 
Moral of the story: Gratitude and greed go not together.
 

The Young Guy and the Old-Timers

One summer’s day, a group of older employees were sitting in the cafeteria, talking for hours on end. A younger employee passed by, bearing along with great toil a huge ream of paper he was taking to his cubicle. “Why not come and chat with us,” said the old codgers, “instead of toiling and working in that way?” “I need to get these TPS reports done before tomorrow,” replied the young guy. “Why bother about the deadline?” asked one of the dinosaurs. “It’s not like they’re going to fire you.” But the young man went on his way and continued his toil. When the winter came, the young man was fired. As he was being escorted of the building, he saw the same group of men lounging leisurely. Then the former employee knew…
 
Moral of the story: It’s safer to sit in the cafeteria all day rather than do real work.