Brad Brown

“Canadians are very hospitable, welcoming people - particularly in provincial and rural Canada. The majority of Canadians are very tolerant and follow a ‘live and let live’ philosophy. There is often a stronger sense of community and duty in Canadian towns than can be found in other countries.” - LivingIn-Canada.com

“I’d studied your cartoons, radio, music, TV, movies, magazines. I was brain-dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed.” - REM - “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?“

As a kid, I became aware of our mysterious neighbor to the north while listening to the song “The Necromancer” from Rush’s album “Caress of Steel.” The song recounts the red tape encountered by three Canadian immigrants during the Vietnam War. The song conjured up visions of embassies, passports, and wizards that intrigued me as a young adult. As I grew up and into my assisted living years, I discovered there were more practical reasons for moving to Canada besides the fun of fording the River Dawn. They are:

• Free healthcare.
• A resilient economy, with thousands of great career fields such as high technology and forest ranging.
• A thriving community of artists, such as Селин Дион, Kim Mitchell, Meg Tilly, and Avril Lavigne.
• Proximity to Russia - You can walk over the North Pole or drive across the Alaska-Rusco Bridge and be within Moscow in just a few hours.

Legal Immigration

Legal immigration is the slowest method of immigration and I highly discourage it. First, you have to submit a form 2535 to the Canadian Nationalization Service, along with a 600-word essay describing what living in Canada would potentially mean to you. The approval process can take up to six months, but even then, you’re not finished. The next step is a psychological questionnaire that determines your level of sociopathy, psychopathy and misanthropy. If you score more than 80%, you’re automatically placed on a “never let enter” list, and your chances of getting in, now or in the future, are zero.
 
If you make it past the initial application, the essay, and the psychological screening, your final hurdle is an IQ test, similar to the SAT taken by high schoolers before entering college. This test ensures that only the best and brightest get into Canada, leaving the chaff for lesser countries with less stringent standards, such as Lichtenstein and Cabo Wabo. The average processing time for the application and tests is about three years - hence my suggestion for speedier, albeit illegal, approaches for moving to Canada.

Climbing Over the Wall

The Canadian Mauer Wall, built in 1963, separates Canada from the United States. Many people in the rural South think of it as a symbol of the Cold War. This wall is the only thing that prevents free flow of human cargo from one country to the next. At fifteen feet high, topped with razor wire, it’s a formidable foe, but it’s nothing that can’t be overcome. You can try the standard fence-jumping techniques that prisoners use, but I’ve formulated a much simpler method which seems to work well given the limited testing I’ve done on the simulated border wall that I’ve constructed in my back yard. You’ll require a throw rug, a small exercise trampoline, and courage. Do the following:

1. Place the trampoline about five feet away from the wall.
2. Hold the rug in front of you with your arms outstretched, as if you’re trying to shield yourself from bullets from a Bolivian firing squad.
3. Run towards the trampoline, as if your life depended on it.
4. Jump on the trampoline, then up towards the razor wire.
5. The carpet will shield you from the razor wire when you bounce off the top of the wall and into the Canadian DMZ.
6. Head to Montréal and live out your dreams!

Tunneling Your Way In

If a fear of heights prevents you from jumping over the wall, an alternative is to tunnel your way under it. It’s the way dope smugglers have been doing it for years. Unfortunately, this method will take a team effort if you hope to dig a tunnel quickly, unless you happen to own a Boeing XJ-1400 tunnel boring machine. If you’re lacking friends, as many of us are in this society isolated by technology, consider hiring Mexican illegals to do the work for you. You can house them in any of the Motel 6’s found along the more rural sections of the wall, and the aliens can do the work under the cover of darkness when no one will notice. On average, the typical undocumented Mexican can move 300-cubic feet of dirt per night. Assuming you hire five Mexicans, you can walk through your tunnel and into Canada within two weeks.

Bribing the Border Guard(s)

There are official crossings into Canada, similar to what we in the US share with Mexico, but without the free tacos. The only problem is that you’re not allowed entry unless you have Canadian citizenship. However, you can bribe your way in, particularly if you try one of the less frequented entrances, like the ones along the Wisconsin border.
 
The key to a successful bribe is knowing what the Canadian border guards like. Your chances of getting in are greater if your graft includes one or more of the following:

• Hickory Farms Summer Sausage
• Dickies
• Walkmans
• Malaysian Hookers
• Santo Gold

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Where can I go for more information on the different methods for entering Canada?
    
   I recommend the 60 Minutes segment “Dying to Get In.” Although it describes immigration to the US from Mexico, the methods described can be used at any border.
    
2. What theme song do you recommend for this endeavor? Illegal activity is more fulfilling when accompanied by theme music.
    
   “Rise” by Herb Alpert, or “Allied Forces” by Triumph. Herb isn’t Canadian, but his song makes me feel like I’m doing something illegal in a leisurely fashion. Play the Triumph song if you chose the “jump over the wall” ™ method; it’s so full of energy, it’ll make you want to move.
    
3. What if I get stuck in the razor wire?
    
   You’re screwed.
    

[Brad’s note: This topic was suggested by Canada’s XUP at ExUrbanPedestrian.Wordpress.com. If you have any topics you’d like me to write about, feel free to suggest them.]

 

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