Brad Brown

In this third installment of my movie review series, I synopsize some of the lesser-known films from my underground, bomb-proof archive. Unlike other sites’ reviews that take minutes, if not hours, to read, you should be able to consume everything below in less than thirty seconds.

• Phase IV (1974) - (Lynne Frederick) - Mutant ants invade an isolated, desert ghost town. For some reason (perhaps oil), the government decides to investigate. Everyone dies. Two thumbs up if you’re a geek; otherwise, avoid this movie.
• Scanners (1981) - (Jennifer O’Neill, Michael Ironside) - A good psychic battles an evil psychic. They telepathically give each other migraines. Sometimes, they accidentally explode the heads of innocent passersby. Thumbs up.
• Vanishing Point (1971) - (Barry Newman, Gilda Texter) - Smokey and The Bandit, minus Jerry Reed, and set in the deserts of the western US. Sally Field is replaced by a nude blonde on a motorcycle. A lengthy movie where most of the drama is psychological. Thumbs up if you like car chase movies; otherwise, you’ll fall asleep.
• Bangkok Dangerous (2008) - (Nicholas Cage, Charlie Yeung) - Nicholas Cage channels the spirit and acting style of Steven Seagal. Nicholas plays a sniper sent to Thailand to rid the world of four miscreants. He falls in love and has a change of heart about his profession. I fell asleep at that point. Thumbs down - avoid at all costs.
• Crack Heads Gone Wild (2006) - (Miscellaneous crack heads) - Documentary about crack heads on the streets of Atlanta. Save your money and watch Cops instead.
• Workout: One-On-One Training with Jackie (2008) - (Jackie Warner, Erika Jacobson, Agostina Laneri) - A thin, sexy lesbian, along with her merry group of fitness trainers, makes you feel bad about being fat. Thumbs up - although it psychologically scarred me, I’ve lost thirty pounds in two months, and you can too!
• Burnt Offerings (1976) - (Karen Black, Oliver Reed) - A family moves into a haunted house. The house possesses Dad, forcing him to choke his son and seduce Bette Davis. The house collapses and everyone dies. Thumbs up - one of the more suspenseful horror movies of the seventies.
• Gargoyles (1972) - (Jennifer Salt, Cornel Wilde) - This movie sparked my obsession with gargoyles. A scientist investigates gargoyle sightings in the desert. Surprisingly, no one dies. If you watch closely, you’ll see Martin Mull and Bernie Casey as gargoyles. Thumbs up. Low production quality but an excellent story.
• Jeepers Creepers (2001) - (Justin Long, Gina Philips) - The kid from the Apple Macintosh commercials (the former Mr. Drew Barrymore) battles a psycho killer in a souped-up hearse. If I remember, evil triumphs in the end, because there was a Jeepers Creepers sequel soon after the first one. Thumbs up - it holds your interest quite well and is not the typical slasher movie.
• Billy Jack (1971) - (Tom Laughlin, Delores Taylor) - Indian karate expert hurts local rednecks in order to save an alternative hippie school from closure. Dr. Johnny Fever (as Don Sturdy) has a bit part as well. Good drama that’s quite engrossing. Thumbs up.
• Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) - (Bill Maher, Shannon Tweed) - Shannon and Bill travel deep into the jungles of Southern California, looking for a mysterious tribe of hot ladies [I’m serious - that’s the plot]. Thumbs down, unless you’ve been drinking.
• Dark Star (1974) - (Dan O’Bannon) - The Dark Star’s crew is on a 20-year comedic mission to destroy unstable planets (Iraq) and make way for future colonization (by the US). This is John Carpenter’s first film, and quite unlike anything else he has directed since (Halloween). Thumbs up.
• Videodrome (1983) - (James Woods, Debbie Harry) - James Woods seduces Debbie Harry (of Blondie fame). He then becomes addicted to cable access television. I think there’s more to the movie, but nothing worth remembering. Thumbs down unless you’re a David Cronenberg fan.
• Duel (1971) - (Dennis Weaver) - This is Spielberg’s first film. Dennis Weaver combats high gas prices by letting himself be chased by a psychotic Exxon tanker truck driver. Thumbs up if you’re a guy, thumbs down otherwise.
• Harold and Maude (1971) - (Ruth Gordon, Bud Cort) - A quirky, female nonagenarian seduces a twelve-year-old boy. Luckily, there were no laws against this back then, so Maude escapes the death chair, and Harold gains the valuable knowledge of seduction that will serve him well later in life. A quirky, dark comedy. Thumbs up.

If you can’t get enough of these brief reviews, but sure to check out “Twenty-one Short Movie Reviews” and “Twenty-two Short Movie Reviews.” Feel free to leave a comment letting us know about any great movies you’ve seen lately.

 

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