The Worst Christmas Toys Ever
Lincoln Logs
Young Brad pours the bucket of miniature, faux logs on the shag carpet, and then thinks, “Now what the {expletive} do I do with them?”
Brad: Mom, now what the {expletive} do I do?
Mom: Watch your language, young man. One more word from you and I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.
Brad: {expletive}
Mom grabbed me by the collar and walked me into the bathroom, where she promptly washed my mouth out with Lava Soap (“with pumice“). That day, I learned that soap tastes terrible, and that Lincoln Logs are useful only for making cabins or fences.
Stretch Armstrong
“…and I pulled him so hard that juice squirted out,” I said, recounting to a co-worker the death of my Stretch Armstrong doll. That didn’t sound too macho, so I quickly diverted the conversation to wrestling.
Airplane on a String
This toy was so unpopular, that I couldn’t even find a photo of one to show you (so I decided to show scantily-clad women instead). In the seventies, remote-controlled airplanes were expensive, but there were alternatives. Some enterprising toy manufacturer thought it would be a good idea to sell an airplane that you controlled via a string attached to one wing of the plane. It worked like this: one kid would start the tiny engine, and begin running in circles with the plane, while the other kid rotated in the center of the circle, holding a handle attached to the other end of the string. Once the plane was airborne, the running kid would let go and the kid at the center would continue rotating to fly the plane. That was the crux of the problem - the only way to fly the plane was to rotate in a circle. Two minutes after flying the plane, you became dizzy and fell to the ground, and the plane would fly off and hit a Deutscher Schäferhund or Dodge Polara.
Sea Monkeys
The advertisement showed a naked family bonding around a German castle. It didn’t sound as perverted then as it does now, so I sent in my ten dollars and anticipated the day that I would have my own kingdom of small creatures that worshiped me like a major deity. This must have been how Jim Jones felt. Six to eight weeks later, the package arrived. I was perplexed that there were no creatures inside, only “magic crystals o’ life.” I followed the instructions, and within days, I was staring at a Mason jar of tiny, swimming bugs. “Where’s my tiny family?” I wondered. I then found the “brine shrimp” disclaimer on the box, and then realized that I had been sucker-punched in my tiny belly by the advertising industry.
Rock Tumblers
All the lead I ate as a kid must have accumulated by the time I hit twelve, because I became fascinated with shiny objects that year (for no good reason). Every time I’d pass by a river bed (and that was often), I’d look for smooth, shiny rocks. I took my obsession to the next level that Christmas by asking for a rock tumbler. When Santa delivered it, I madly unwrapped the box, fully expecting to be rolling in shiny rocks by day’s end. But alas, it was not meant to be. The tumbling process took several weeks. DOH!
I setup my tumbler in the barn that afternoon and went back to inspect it the next day. It was turned off. I asked the usual suspects, and Mom confessed to turning it off to save energy. Mom grew up during the Great Depression, and anytime electricity was being used frivolously, she’d turn off the offending switch. I plugged my tumbler back in and went back to my youthful indiscretions. The next day, it was unplugged again. This went on for several weeks. Twenty-six years later, my rock tumbler still sits on the shelf of the barn, with the barrel full of semi-rough rocks waiting for their final polish. I grew tired of Mom’s continual conservation, so I eventually stopped plugging it back in. Sometimes, the dragon wins.
Operation
There’s nothing more unnerving for a small child than having to pull entrails and bones from an unanesthetized cartoon character (”A Dick Cheney Christmas” would be the title of the Xmas special). It’s a wonder I grew up to be so mellow.
¿Conclusión?
If you’ve already given one of these toys to someone you love, it’s never too late to say “I’m sorry.” If you’ve ever experienced the trauma of a sub-par toy, it’s ok to vent here; you’re among similarly scarred friends.
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Still the same old Brad. You could always make me laugh like no other!
Peace!
BEST LIST EVER! I especially hated “Operation.” It made me a nervous wreck. I remember shaking and sweating, trying not to touch the sides. Then when I did screaming like a mad-mad as if I had been shot.
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Clackers. http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r151/dixiehound/clackers.jpg Two hard plastic balls on short strings joined together by a metal ring on the other end, similar to the actual Argentine weapon known as “bolas”.
The object of the game was to wave your arm up and down to make the balls “clack” together above and below your arm. Mostly you just got hit in the head, arm, hands and face by the balls until eventually one clack too many shattered them in mid-clack into a million sharp shards of hard plastic that would put out your eye and the eyes of all your friends.
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@Sherry - Long time no see. Please return often for humorous sociopathy.
@Beej - Operation would be a whole lot better if they replaced the removable body parts with delicious candy.
@XUP - The funny thing is that I actually had a pair of clackers. However, there were no instructions (and we didn’t have Intrawebs ™ in those days), so I had no idea what they were called or what to do with them.
“Clackers” were actually know as “Eskimo yoyos” and they sucked big time.
But the worst toy was the little board with holes drilled in it in the shape of a triangle and one less peg than the holes. You were supposed to jump pegs and you “won” if, when you were finished, there was only one peg left in a hole.
“Lincoln Logs Rule” So bite me
I like the game CORNHOLE.
Sounds like a felony or a “Deliverance” joke, but it is not.
Do you hear banjo music?
Love the blog Browney.
BB
I thought Bear was pulling my leg, but there actually is a game called CornHole:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornhole_(game)
I got Operation, a rock tumbler, and Sea Monkeys too. I still say the worst was Lawn Darts. My cousin accidentally impaled my shoulder with one.
Lawn Darts were so lethal!! I think we suffered quite a few family injuries with those
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Did anyone else have the little water powered rockets as a kid? I can still remember the day when I was like 6 and my Uncle was outside with me. He pumped that thing up for what seemed like an hour while I patiently waited, when he did finally blast that thing off I must have been 50 feet away but, was in a trance as the HSO powered missle shot right at me and clobbered me in the eye :-{… I had a shiner for a couple weeks but the memories will last forever. By the way I felt the same way while trying to play Operation as a kid, but nonetheless I got one for my 5 yr old this Xmas.
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@Rick - I had one of those water powered rockets as a kid - a great way to cool off in the summer. They still sell them:
Water rocket
Sea monkeys are the worst, I hated those as a child
The water rocket was fun, But what about Smash up derby, it made accidents look fun.
What’s wrong with Stretch Armstrong? I thought he was fab and I loved Operation!!
Those Sea Monkey things were dire though!
FI wish I was a kid now as toys today seem much better. I just love Hasbro FurReal Friends which are hot Christmas toys! You can choose from a a wide range of pets including the FurReal Butterscotch Pony, FurReal Biscuit and Squawkers. There’s also a special edition for 2009, Zambi the FurReal Baby Elephant who was created to help children orphaned by AIDS in Africa and 50% of the profits will be donated to charity.
We never had toys like that in our day!!
I can’t recall ever having a water rocket, but I did have a cap gun when I was little. I used to play cowboys and indians with all the little boys in my neighborhood… I loved that thing, until one day something went wrong with it, and it went off much louder than it should have. It scared me half to death, and I am pop “gun shy” ever since.
I got annoyed by operation, though I loved my stretch arm-strong doll. Toys today are very cool in many ways, but I still love vintage toys the best.