How to Prevent the Swine Flu

 

A Delicious Pound of Cure

  • The primary sources of the contagion are swarthy Wal-Mart shoppers. If you must shop at Wal-Mart, coat yourself from head to toe with Purell before entering, and avoid the plus-size clothing area.
     
  • Contrary to popular belief, consumption of bacon prevents swine flu due to the pork antibodies that are prevalent in bacon. Two strips of bacon consumed daily can reduce your chances of getting the swine flu by 70%. This tip brought to you by the National Pork Producers Council.
     
  • Drink heavily. That way, if the ravenous pigs chase you down and eat you, it’ll be a relatively painless experience.

How to Cause Panic in Others

  • Pour Bacon-Bits on your shoulders and then walk into a public location, like a subway station or airport bathroom. When someone asks you what it is, feign surprise and start yelling “Oh Jesus, it’s swine flu dandruff!” Pause, eat one, and then follow up with a loud “…but it sure is tasty!”
     
  • Post a “Closed because of swine flu” sign on the window of your favorite grocery store.
     
  • Adopt a pot-bellied pig and take him to Pilates class with you.
     
  • Place a hot dog in the collection plate during a church service.
     
  • Discretely conceal a sausage before your next prostate exam.

How Bad Could It Get?

  • Your face could fall off just as you are about to receive the Nobel Prize, causing shouts of “Hey, it’s Mickey Rourke!” from the audience.
     
  • While biting your nails, your hands could start to taste delicious, and you might eat your fingers to the bone before your co-workers at Quiznos can stop you.
     
  • Oprah could turn into a zombie and start eating her guest stars. I can just picture her eating Mary Kate Olsen (the skinny Olsen twin), then gazing into the camera and saying “Tastes like chicken! Now welcome my next guest…”
     
  • Your zombie cats might eat you if you fall asleep while watching Ghost Whisperer.
     
  • Obama could take over the ailing pork industry because it’s too big to fail. Pork missiles will then become the primary weapon against Islamic terrorists.
     
  • Angelina Jolie might start eating her children after adopting them. Secretly, Brad Pitt would be relieved.

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2 Responses to “How to Prevent the Swine Flu”

  1. John "qtzlctl" Smith wrote on April 29th, 2009 at 4:01 am :
     

    you had me choking on the ‘Bacon-Bits’ one. great stuff!

     
  2. Pat Woodman wrote on April 29th, 2009 at 10:59 pm :
     

    How did I miss this article?

    I guess I was watching all the national news coverage on swine flu! If I had known that you had written such a succinct coverage of all the details, I could have saved myself a lot of time!

    By the way, have you stocked up on face masks? Are you washing your hands more? My hands are getting chapped from such frequent hand-washing!

     

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