Brad Brown

…if:

• I weren’t getting married.
• The lesbians in question were heterosexual.
• They actually wanted to date me.

[Author’s note: Sometimes I come up with really stupid ideas for articles. This is one such article. As much as the little voice in my head tells me to write significant articles about real world issues, I can’t help but write the occasional bit of tripe like this. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.]
 
A while back, the phrase “I’d like to go out with her, if she wasn’t a lesbian” started creeping into my thoughts. It occurred to me that a number of famous women I’ve lusted after were lesbian. Rather than keep the list in my head secret, I thought I would share with you, and we could compare notes at the end. The women are listed in descending order based on increasing order of lust.
 
Lilly Tomlin - My attraction to Lilly Tomlin is purely intellectual. I find her to be one of the most intelligent women I’ve ever studied from a great distance. Her performance in Krippendorf’s Tribe was nothing short of Oscar-winning. If I were stuck on a desert island with one person, I would want that person to be Lilly Tomlin.
 
Anne Heche (with long hair) - I’m not sure if Anne is lesbian, bisexual, or just opportunistic, but I thought I’d include her just the same. I became fascinated with Anne after listening to her audio book, “Call Me Crazy.” It documents her childhood, her rise to fame, her descent into madness and back out again. Any woman who dated Steve Martin and Lindsay Buckingham surely would make a fine companion, although, I do fear I would constantly ask her “Tell me more about that Steve Martin? Is he really that funny in real life?”
 
Alicia Bridges - . You probably remember her best for the 1978 hit disco song, “I Love the Night Life.” Alicia had the most aerodynamic hair style I’ve ever seen on a woman; she strikes me as a good person to ride in a convertible with. I think what is appealing about her are her gold lamé pants. It’s because of her that I actually know what the word “lamé” means (and that is knowledge one just can’t live without).
 
Joan Jett - Joan Jett’s lesbianism snuck up on me. Like Rob Halford, even though the excessive leather was staring me in the face, I just assumed she liked leather, nothing more. I’ve had a crush on her ever since she was in the Runaways (she was nineteen, I was seven).
 
Cat Cora - Cat’s my favorite Iron Chef. Her Tricolore Salad (Endive, Beet, Arugula) recipe has to be the best salad I’ve ever made in my life - which is probably not saying much since I rarely cook. Still, if I were stuck on a desert island, and Lilly Tomlin wasn’t available, and I had to eat well, I can think of no other woman I’d rather be there with than with Cat Cora.
 
Lucy Lui - I haven’t been able to determine if Lucy is a lesbian, but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt for this article. Lucy’s athleticism is what attracts BradBrown.com to her. What most people don’t know is that she did her own stunt work in Charlie’s Angels. It’s rare you find a woman with such intelligence, grace, and physical stamina all in one package.
 
Melissa Etheridge - Award winning singer/songwriter, noted environmentalist, and now author, Melissa is the complete package (Lucy Lui minus the attractiveness). She jumped the shark, as the kids say, with her impregnation by David Crosby, but since then she’s back on track.
 
Portia de Rossi - You may know her as Ellen Degeneres’ better half. I know her as the woman who brought life and sunshine to an otherwise dead Allie McBeal TV show, as caustic lawyer Nell Porter. Portia made the list based on pure beauty. I haven’t seen any interviews of her, so I haven’t a clue as to her actual personality. However, she’s married to Ellen, so based on the mathematical principle of {insert related mathematical principal here}, I’d have to say she’s a good egg.
 
Jodie Foster - Jodie has never officially come out of the closet, but given the fact that she has live-in girlfriend, I think it’s safe to assume she qualifies. My selection of Jodie is based entirely on her on-screen characters. From the intelligence and soft-southern drawl of Clarice Starling, to the protectiveness of a mother in Panic Room, even back to her roots as a youthful killer in “The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane,” Jodie exemplifies what a strong woman should be.
 
Ellen Degeneres - Of the all the famous people I know, Ellen is in the top five of who I’d like to hang out with - homo, hetero, or otherwise. She always seems upbeat and positive. In addition, she’s a strong advocate of animal rights. It is with these qualities in mind that BradBrown.com awards Ellen the nebulous “The Number One Lesbian I’d Date If…” trophy for 2008! Congratulations, Ellen!
 
Honorable mentions - Jennifer Beals (not a lesbian, but she plays one on TV), Wanda Sykes (any spokesman for Applebee’s is a friend of mine), Piper Perabo (not a lesbian, but she played one in a movie), Cynthia Nixon (with makeup and soft lighting, from a distance), Sara Gilbert (Roseanne’s curly-haired daughter, not to be confused with Melissa Gilbert), Kristanna Loken (Terminator fetish), Queen Latifah, Sophie B. Hawkins (”Damn, I wish I was your brother…”), Ani Difranco (dreadlock fetish), and Gina Gershon (the lips).
 
I’m interested in reading what you think, particularly my lesbian readers. We men tend to value different things than females when picking potential mates, and I’m want to hear what you look for in a mate - lesbian, straight, or otherwise.

 

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