Brad Brown

There comes a time in every UPS supervisor’s career when he’s given the opportunity to ride along with a package delivery driver. My chance came during New Management Orientation (NMO). NMO is UPS’s equivalent to Jonestown, except that it’s held in a discrete office park and only lasts for two weeks [and typically, no one dies]. NMO is a two-week class, during which you’re taught everything you need to know about management at UPS - the technique, the history, and the trivia. In addition to theory, they pair you with a delivery driver and send you out for a day of delivering packages in order to give you a taste of the delivery process. Delivering packages had always seemed easy to me from a theoretical point of view. As an accomplished computer programmer, I like to think I know it all when it comes to manual labor. Dear Jebus, how wrong I was!
 
To prepare for the ride-along, our NMO class ordered driver clothing (known as “browns“) in advance. The thing you don’t realize about the brown clothes worn by the UPS driver is that they’re scientifically engineered for performance:

• The pants pockets are shallow so you don’t waste time fishing around for change.
• The shirts have extra width in the belly area, giving your stomach an incredible range of motion.
• The crotch has inflatable air chambers to enhance your manly appearance. Two thumbs up for that feature!

If the person who designed the UPS shirt would put one of those large-bellied shirts on the open market, I suspect they’d make a killing. I have never worn a more comfortable shirt in my life.
 
The clothing isn’t the only thing engineered to perfection. The entire delivery process is continually monitored to improve performance. The packages in the truck are arranged in order by destination, so there’s no time wasted searching for packages. The little computer the driver carries, the DIAD, tells them where the next stop is. The times and locations of the driver stops are fed into a database at the end of each day and the data analyzed. Occasionally, UPS will even send an industrial engineer out with the driver, so that the driver’s movements can be observed for possible improvement. I think one day, they’ll replace the drivers altogether, preferably with those neat FedEx robots from the movie “I, Robot”.
 
The day of my outing, I arrived early at the package center. All of the NMO participants stood against a wall like a police lineup, as each of the drivers walked by and picked the partner of their choice. The cute girls were picked first, followed by the pasty-white, male programmers. I was approached by a short, blonde, female driver named Stacey. Stacey said “You mind a 12-hour shift? This isn’t like corporate.” I thought to myself, “If this petite woman can do it, I sure can. I’ll be surprised if she makes it through the day.” I assured her I could handle it, and we hopped on her truck and we were off.
 
Within the first five minutes of driving, I knew Stacey and I would get along perfectly. She cursed like a sailor, so I felt right at home. She explained the itinerary for the day; it essentially involved driving one big loop from business to business, dropping off the early A.M. packages first, saving the non-time critical packages for later. The cool thing about being a UPS driver is that everyone knows your name and anticipates your arrival with glee. At every stop we made, the customers would ask Stacey “How are the kids?” or “How’s the husband?” One place even gave us homemade cookies. A benefit of riding along with a female driver is service; female drivers typically make quicker deliveries because the male customers are more helpful, often meeting the driver at the truck to pick up packages [this is documented fact, not just my creative imagination running wild]. If I were forming a delivery company, I think I would hire female strippers as drivers for this very reason.
 
The delivery and pickup process is quite time constrained. Stacey knew at what times we had to be at certain landmarks in order to keep on schedule. Inside the truck, there was a constant ticking sound coming from a small box mounted on the ceiling. I was never told what it was, but I assumed it was some audible cue to indicate that time was of the essence. The morning was a constant drive, stop, pickup and deliver routine, with little time to take the relaxing breaks I was used to at corporate.
 
By 11:30, the continuous delivering and pickup of packages was beginning to take its toll on my frail body. Luckily, it was time for lunch, so we met another driver at a Mexican restaurant. The other driver was female too - a really cute brunette with a ponytail. She looked like a young Kate Beckinsale, but as soon as she opened her mouth, I realized she was more of a man than me. It was like having lunch with a man trapped in a supermodel’s body - she talked with her mouth full, fidgeted constantly, and dropped the occasional “You’re {expletive}ing kidding me!” Most of the conversation was spent complaining about the center manager or other drivers - very similar to what we did at corporate. Initially, both drivers were wary of talking in front me, but I told them that what is said at La Fuente stays at La Fuente, and they loosened up.
 
The afternoon was similar to the morning, although without the time-critical packages to deliver, there didn’t seem to be the urgency. BradBrown.com asked Stacey what the worst thing about being a UPS driver was. She said “The masturbating men.” It turns out there’s a small segment of the male population that enjoys riding around in their cars and masturbating for female UPS drivers. Stacey said this had happened four or five times since she became a UPS driver. She’d be stopped at a red light, only to look down at the car next to her to see a naked man masturbating [I’m assuming they all drove automatic transmissions]. The last time it happened to her, she said she smiled back at the guy while simultaneously dialing 911. The police later caught the guy; he was only wearing tube socks.
 
At about 5:00 pm, I began praying to all the major deities for relief. Every muscle in my body ached, I was drenched with sweat, and we still had two hours to go. It was the longest couple of hours of my life. At 6:30, we headed back to the center. Stacey and I exchanged compliments - she definitely impressed me and even though I couldn’t keep up with her, I apparently was better than the last corporate stooge she got stuck with. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. We never did.
 
Conclusion

• Driving for UPS is tough. I could never do it for more than four hours; I’m too much of a girl.
• It’s a great way to meet unattractive people of the opposite sex.
• Drivers are suspicious of corporate types, and vice versa. It’s not something limited to UPS, just the typical white/blue collar divide.

If you ever have a chance to ride with a package car driver (for any company), I’d highly recommend the experience. You’ll never realize the detail and planning that goes into the process, or how physically demanding it is. I’ll stick to typing.

 

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