Brad Brown

I’ve never been a big fan of drugs. My thought is that if one’s reality is bad enough to change via chemicals, it’s better to change your reality than to mask the root problem with drugs. My only real vices are Tequila and Ouzo. Still, I have tried various compounds throughout my life. Would you like to hear about it? Good, here we go…
 
Chewing Tobacco - The 80’s
When I was your age, the Sunday newspaper came with a faux-magazine called “Parade.” About every two weeks, the fine folks at US Smokeless would place a free sample offer for Skoal Bandits in the back of the magazine. I decided I had to try them, so I filled out the form, checked the “I’m over 18, really!” checkbox, and mailed it in. Six to eight weeks later, a brown mystery parcel arrived in the mail. Mom asked “What is that?” when I walked in with the mail. “Sea Monkeys,” I replied. I ran into my room, ripped open the envelope, and behold - a container of Wint-O-Green Skoal Bandits - tiny tobacco morsels wrapped in tiny cloth bags. The bags were inserted between your cheek and gum, and prevented the tobacco from getting stuck between your teeth. I popped one of them in my tiny mouth, and within minutes, the warmth of the Wint-O-Green/nicotine combination flowed throughout my body. I was hooked.
 
My love affair with tobacco lasted from 5th grade up until middle school. I graduated from the womanly Bandits to the more manly loose chewing tobacco. Nicotine gave me one of the greatest feelings known to man - the feeling of caffeine with more warmth and less nervousness. However, I quickly realized that tobacco spit was a deterrent to meeting hot chicks. Realizing that, I gave up tobacco except for special occasions like Easter.
 
Cocaine - The 80’s
I’ve never actually tried cocaine. When I was 10 or 11, I was riding my bike around the neighborhood, and I noticed several Colombians bucket-brigading bags of cocaine from the woods into their red sports car. I watched for about a minute, and then remembered what I learned from Miami Vice - any witness to a drug dealing must be killed in a painful manner. I slowly and quietly rode back up the hill. Later in life, I worked for a pizzeria that I was told was a front for cocaine smuggling, but I enjoyed the benefit of free pizza, so I never bothered to mention this fact to anyone else.
 
Cigarettes - 1982
As a young boy, I always wanted to try smoking. In the 70’s and early 80’s, everyone on TV smoked, and I wanted to be hip, so I thought I should give them a try. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to get a pack of cigarettes [Mom was always with me, like white on rice]. One day, opportunity struck in the form of a smoking relative, Uncle WhatsHisName. WhatsHisName was visiting Grandma’s the same weekend I was. I noticed he put his cigarettes on the bar between the kitchen and living room before going to bed. Later that night, like a ninja, I snuck out of bed, walked into the kitchen, grabbed a cigarette, snuck back into my room, and put it in my suitcase. But the intrigue wasn’t over. When I returned home to my parents, I didn’t have a convenient place to smoke the cigarette. The next evening, I set the alarm for 2:00 am. When it went off, I got up, walked up the driveway to the road, and lit the cigarette. I took one deep drag, started coughing uncontrollably for five minutes, and then put the cigarette out in the dirt. I was quite disappointed; the anticipation I felt minutes earlier was gone. At dinner the next evening, Dad mentioned something about “kids smoking out near the mailbox.” I did my typical “Oh really, tell me more…” routine and they were none the wiser.
 
Catnip -1983
I read somewhere that catnip had hallucinogenic properties. I asked Mom to pick up some catnip under the guise of being nice to the neighborhood cat. I absconded with the catnip to my secret laboratory [card table in the corner of the barn]. I wrapped the catnip in Mead thin-line notebook paper, and lit it with my Bunsen burner. I puffed and I puffed…and nothing happened, except that the barn began filling with the pleasing scent of catnip. I tried again several times over the next week; Eventually, I gave up and gave the remaining catnip to the cat. I later learned that stoners researchers had misidentified catnip as marijuana, leading to the rumor of catnip being a source of high.
 
Marijuana - early 90’s
I’ve never tried marijuana (seriously), but I do have an interesting story. In the early 90’s, I went with my IBM co-workers to a Van Hagar concert at the Walnut Creek Amphitheater in beautiful Raleigh, North Carolina. It was a wonderful concert, the highlight for me being a fan throwing an “Eddie, Jam for Jesus!” banner onstage, and Eddie Van Halen holding it up for the crowd. About that same time, my buddy Jim Nance became quick friends with the large guy in the seat to his right. A few minutes later, Jim’s new buddy grabs Jim in a headlock, and attempts to force a joint into Jim’s mouth. Jim was rather petite, so I intervened, explaining in a yell to the guy “Jim’s very religious…he doesn’t do drugs!” A look of understanding crossed the large stoner’s face, and he released Jim and apologized. Apparently though, the residual smoke affected me, because it took me an hour and a half to find my car after the concert. It was easy to pick out, being the only car left in the lot.
 
The Late 90’s
I really don’t remember anything about this period of time. Once day I was in North Carolina and the next day I woke up five years later in Atlanta. Good times…
 
Cytomel (Synthetic thyroid hormone) - 2004
One day, a pharmaceutical truck loaded with Cytomel crashed on the hill above my house. A week later, after the cleanup, I found a bottle of Cytomel out back near the Koi pond. Cytomel is typically prescribed to people with Graves’ Disease to supplement their lack of normal thyroid hormone. It’s also used by athletes to trim fat in a quick matter - it essentially boosts your metabolism to a much higher level, even without exercise. Since I was chubby at the time, I thought I’d give it a try. About thirty minutes after taking it, a warm feeling radiated throughout my body. I felt as if I had consumed 18 venti lattes in one sitting - I was a nervous ball of energy. Immediately, I started vacuuming and cleaning the house, just to have something to do. Over the next two weeks, I lost fifteen pounds. However, as with anything, there was a catch - Cytomel makes you sweat at the drop of a hat. Because I was sweating so much, I had to change shirts every twelve hours. I even gave up sweet lovemaking because I sweated so much I slipped off the bed several times. At the end of two weeks, I stopped taking it. While it does work, I think it’s better to stick with long term exercise and healthy eating.
 
Modafinil - present day
My last experiment with brain modification came in the form of Modafinil. Modafinil is a narcolepsy drug. Unlike other drugs, it does allow you to sleep if you attempt to, but if you had the urge to stay awake for several days, you could. In addition, it helps improve your concentration. It can turn you into a mental superman, which is why NASA and the Air Force give it to their pilots. It’s become all the rage among the young overachievers, who believe if staying awake sixteen hours a day is good, then staying awake for days at a time must be even better. I have no funny anecdote to go along with this drug. It does work, but I’ve decided it’s probably better to find a way to be more successful in the limited time BradBrown.com has, rather than trying to add more wakeful time to my life.
 
That’s the history of drugs according to BradBrown.com. Do you have any drug-related stories you’d like to share? If so, leave a comment. Just remember, if the DEA breaks down the door to your house the day after you post, I didn’t tip them off!

 

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