Brad Brown

I used to choose which movie to watch by noting the amount of money it made during opening weekend. The more money it made, the better the movie had to be. Then I realized that most of the people going out to see movies on opening weekends are morons, so basing my viewing choice on their purchasing decisions was equally moronic. Depressed, I gave up watching movies and turned to reading. Given my short attention span and lack of really short books, I returned to watching movies. To save my loyal readers time in choosing great movies, I thought I’d review some of the films I’ve seen. Enjoy.

1. The Professional - (Natalie Portman, Jean Reno) - Pedophile assassin saves little girl from rogue DEA agent. Thumbs up.
2. Point Break - (Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze) - Surfer Swayze emasculates undercover agent Keanu. Thumbs up.
3. The Firm - (Tom Cruise. Gene Hackman) - Gary Busey dies while receiving oral pleasure from Holly Hunter. Thumbs up.
4. Can’t Stop The Music - (Steve Guttenberg) - Documentary about the YMCA. Thumbs down if you’re heterosexual, thumbs up if you’re homosexual
5. Little Darlings - (Tatum O’Neal, Kristy McNichol) - Tatum seduces Kristy at summer camp. Thumbs up.
6. Daredevil - (Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck) - Midriff exposed, Jennifer Garner emasculates blind Ben Affleck. Thumbs up.
7. Midnight Express - (Brad Davis) - If you’ve ever wondered where the phrase “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” came from, this movie explains. Thumbs up.
8. I Am Legend - (Will Smith) - In my day, we called it “The Omega Man,” and we liked it! Thumbs down.
9. Juno - (Ellen Page) - Teen pregnancy was never so fun! Thumbs up.
10. No Country For Old Men - (Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin) - Great Clips customer goes on a killing rampage after a bad haircut. It ends well when he falls in love with Penelope Cruz. Thumbs up.
11. National Treasure - (Nicholas Cage) - Have you ever noticed Nicholas Cage’s mouth is open in every scene, in every movie? Maybe he has a deviated septum and can’t breathe through his nose, but it’s distracting. Thumbs up despite the mouth breathing.
12. Talladega Nights - (Will Ferrell) - A PBS documentary on what it means to live in Alabama. Thumbs up.
13. The Sluts of Rockdale County - (various sluts from Rockdale County) - a PBS documentary on what it means to live in Georgia. Thumbs up.
14. Employee of the Month - (Jessica Simpson) - Jessica Simpson gets a job at Costco and becomes their breast employee. Thumbs down.
15. Rocky Balboa - (Sylvester Stallone) - Sylvester Stallone comes off life support and goes on human growth hormone to defeat someone who looks like DMX. Thumbs up.
16. Blade Runner Collector’s Edition - (Harrison Ford, Sean Young) - Ridley Scott enhances the 18th director’s cut by adding a Sean Young nipple slip. Thumbs up.
17. Cloverfield - (actors I’ve never heard of) - Godzilla comes out of retirement and goes on a diet. After the diet, he eats New York. Thumbs down.
18. Fast Times At Ridgemont High - (Judge Reinhold, Nicholas Cage) - Phoebe Cates exposes her breasts to Judge Reinhold, then retires from acting to have Kevin Klein’s babies. Two thumbs up.
19. Alvin and The Chipmunks - (Jason Lee) - I liked it better when it was called Richard Gere and the Gerbils. Thumbs down.
20. Alien Resurrection (Winona Rider, Sigourney Weaver) - Winona shoplifts alien eggs, which hatch in her pants. Sigourney seduces her under the guise of killing the aliens. Thumbs down.
21. Passion of the Christ - (James Caviezel, Maia Morgenstern) - “You killed Jesus!” Thanks, Mel. Now go back to drinking. Thumbs down.
22. The Darjeeling Limited - (Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, Jason Schwartzman) - As close as you can get to suicide without killing yourself. Thumbs up.

 

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