Brad Brown

Photo by Graham William

For Women

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A bag boy with a learning disability will become enthralled by a bottle of Merlot you’ve purchased. His unsolicited advice will answer the question that’s been confounding you. Your compatible sign for lust is Pisces. Your lucky Google keywords are obtrude, Lopez, and condign.
 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A search for a missing personal item leads to the discovery of an Avon catalog - better luck tomorrow. Your compatible sign for verbal intercourse is Sagittarius. Your lucky Google keywords are coeval, Pitt, and dapple.
 

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

A trip to the Orange Julius will lead to new ideas for weight loss. Danger lurks in your subdivision pool; avoid the white kid with the poopy diaper. Your compatible sign for rejection is Cancer. Your lucky Google keywords are inimical, emolument, and McConaughey.
 

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Beauty is just a light switch away; fluorescent lights not only save the environment, but they can enhance your attractiveness. Your compatible sign for boredom is Scorpio. Your lucky Google keywords are palliate, recrudescent, and Jason.
 

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The AT&T salesman at your door will ask if you want to save money. The answer is “No, creepy.” Your compatible sign for failure is Sagittarius. Your lucky Google keywords are peregrination, propound, and Lamas.
 

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Breast exams are meant to be shared. You may be surprised how many people notice you once you start wearing more revealing clothing. Avoid the color blue. Your compatible sign for disco dancing is Scorpio. Your lucky Google keywords are busker, mephitic, and Brosnan.
 

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

In the land of the minivan, the Vespa scooter is king. Your kids’ soccer coach resembles Ricardo Montalbán; you’ll find his faux-celebrity status helpful in attracting the jealousy of your husband. Your compatible sign for dancing is Leo. Your lucky Google keywords are concomitant, tatterdemalion, and Efron.
 

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will be tempted to spray Febreze on your domestic partner to eliminate that musty cigar smell. Avoid the Great Clips stylists on the left-hand side of the store. Your compatible sign for eating is Cancer. Your lucky Google keywords are LaBeouf, insensate, and kobold.
 

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

There are roaches in the coffee machine at the UPS location you work at; they are not a significant source of protein. Your compatible sign for grocery shopping is Gemini. Your lucky Google keywords are arbitrage, supernumerary, and Phillippe.
 

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Follow the advice of Joanna Kerns on tonight’s Lifetime Television movie of the week; her words will give you the courage you need to leave your abusive relationship. Your compatible sign for friendship is Taurus. Your lucky Google keywords are chichi, inimical, and Mel.
 

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

A man will fall towards you and he’ll grab your breasts for support; accidents happen. Your compatible sign for grocery shopping is Aries. Your lucky Google keywords are vexillology, gamine, and Wentworth.
 

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You’ll find comedy relief in the antics of your co-workers. Don’t give up on your dream of appearing on cable access television. Your compatible sign for watching kids play soccer is Pisces. Your lucky Google keywords are aestival, sempiternal, and Matt.
 

Photo by Dan4th

For Men

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A retarded bag boy will laugh uncontrollably at your package of Woodpecker Cider. Tasering him will be your only option for revenge. Your compatible sign for indifference is Leo. Your lucky Google keywords are Garrison, contretemps, and slugabed.
 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Frustration will come in the form of a new hobby. A news anchor will channel the spirit of a dead relative. If you go nuts and start shooting, please do so at the other end of the office, in order to give BradBrown.com time to ex-cape. Your compatible sign for fishing is Aquarius. Your lucky Google keywords are bandog, milksop, and Penelope.
 

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

You will discover the difference between Canadian bacon, and ham. Turn this new-found knowledge into a profitable sideline. Avoid negative encounters with your mother. Your compatible sign for skeet shooting is Capricorn. Your lucky Google keywords are sublunary, potentate, and Bunchen.
 

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Someone pays too much attention to the way you dress; never mistake latent homosexuality for attention to detail (or vice versa). Your compatible sign for woodworking is Sagittarius. Your lucky Google keywords are triskaidekaphobia, moil, and Megan.
 

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The AT&T salesman at your door will ask if you want to save money. The answer is “If I wanted to save money, I would do so by comparison shopping on the Intrawebs ™. This is the third time in two months one of you chowderheads has interrupted my nightly television viewing. Get the {expletive} off my {major deity}-damned deck!” Your compatible sign for male bonding is Scorpio. Your lucky Google keywords are eleemosynary, starveling, and Jessica.
 

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will consume grape ice cream from Baxin Robbins, only to experience a colorful bowel movement. It is not a sign from God. Your compatible sign for snorkeling is Libra. Your lucky Google keywords are apposite, etiolate, and Keeley.
 

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

A search for a missing personal item leads to the discovery of an old Penthouse magazine; find guidance in the pages that stick together. Your compatible sign for gardening is Virgo. Your lucky Google keywords are jejune, opprobrium, and Chriqui.
 

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A firm “no” could actually mean “yes.” Don’t take rejection as a sign of rejection. Your compatible sign for noodling is Leo. Your lucky Google keywords are Panettiere, maunder, and tergiversation.
 

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Shake it more than three times, and you’re playing with it. The key to your success is in your pants, so keep a clean pair handy. Your compatible sign for backrubs is Cancer. Your lucky Google keywords are Johansson, vade mecum, and perfidy.
 

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Joe from LA Fitness will approach you while you’re pumping gas. He’ll ask if you work out, when it’s obvious from your pot belly that this is not the case. Legally, he can ask you to accompany him into the men’s bathroom to sign the membership form. However, once there, you’ll be under no pressure to sign. Your compatible sign for Frisbee is Gemini. Your lucky Google keywords are Cole, neoteric, and recrudescent.
 

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

The phrase “burns both ways” has special meaning today. Find solace in ice cubes and heavy drinking. Your compatible sign for gold prospecting is Taurus. Your lucky Google keywords are perfervid, frangible, and Duff.
 

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The Home Depot cashier was eyeing your wife, not you. Odds favor a secretive lesbian encounter between them, but not a threesome including you. Your compatible sign for hang gliding is Aries. Your lucky Google keywords are cozen, peregrination, and Meg.

 

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