Brad Brown

Photo by PinkMoose

I watched the Teen Choice Awards last night on Fox (it was either that or Celebrity Wife Beatdown). During the opening, it occurred to me that the only artist I had heard of was Miley Cyrus, and that was just because she stars in every t.v. show. As the awards show progressed, I realized that I had no idea who the majority of the artists were. Naturally, I assume that you have no idea what the music scene is like these days either. To solve this pressing problem, I’ve spent the past twenty-four hours scouring the intrawebs ™ to come up with a list of modern artists and their equivalents from prior decades. Hopefully with this handy guide, you’ll be able to appear knowledgeable at parties, and cool when conversing with the kids at Carvel. Growing older doesn’t have to mean alienation from the younger generation.
 

The Jonas Brothers

The Jonas Brothers are the modern equivalent of Menudo, the Mexican singing act that launched the careers of Ricky Martin and Eric Estrada. However, instead of a group of fifteen Mexican teens, the Jonas Brothers are three Hasidic Jewish teenagers from Boca Del Vista. With their tight harmonies and synchronized dance moves, they attract more teen girls than Leif Garrett at Six Flags over Cleveland. They’re also a wholesome bunch of lads; they abstain from drugs, drink, tobacco, and sex. My money says that at least one of them will end up in rehab within the year.
 

John Mayer

John Mayer is the hottest bisexual singer/songwriter to come out of Atlanta since RuPaul. He’s the modern version of Kenny Loggins, John Denver, and that guy who sang “Thunder Island,” - all rolled into a mishmash of music genius. He writes the kind of music that’s not especially memorable or good. Those baseless generalizations, offset by his androgynous good looks, make for a combination that’s hard to beat in the cesspool of today’s music. He’s best known for his song “Your Body is a Wonderland,” and for sleeping with Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Beal, Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and that guy from Maroon 5.
 

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is the miracle daughter that saved Billy Ray Cyrus from certain bankruptcy. She is the modern equivalent of Debbie Gibson, or Tiffany. She sings the bubblegum nonsense that kids just eat up. The majority of her lyrics involve love, breaking up, and finding love after a breakup. Here are some sample lyrics:

I probably shouldn’t say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared

Mom told me there was no money in songwriting. I think I’ve just proven her wrong.
 

Jordin Sparks

Jordin Sparks is a plus-size model turned singer. She was able to beat out much thinner competitors on American Idol (by eating them), and she was eventually crowned American Idol Queen. Her style is similar to that of Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston [two artists who I discovered are still alive!], but without the sexiness or nine-octave range. When not touring state fairs, she can be seen starring on the CW comedy, “Porkchop City.”
John McCain will set the bar for mediocrity.

Photo by Between A Rock

Foo Fighters

The Foo Fighters are the only rock band left in the nation, which is sad, considering two of the members are Canadian, and one is British. If you loved Journey, Foreigner, or Styx as a kid, you’ll love Foo Fighters. They play standard guitar rock, without annoying keyboards or theatrics getting in the way of the music. [insert irrelevant trivia here] In 1994, singer Dave Grohl was invited to join Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, but he declined due to the upcoming debut album of Foo Fighters.
 

Linkin Park

It’s hard to find an older band that is similar to Linkin Park. I’ve never heard a band that whines as much as they do. Every song is a tale of metrosexual tragedy, sang in the style of mournful dog. Apparently, kids are eating this suicidal music up, because Linkin Park is shooting up the charts. My recommendation: become familiar with their songs so you can blend in with the disaffected youth, but don’t make a habit of listening frequently. I’m convinced music like this is the first step to suicide (the second step being Hillary Duff).
 

Coheed and Cambria

Coheed is an EMO band (which means they cry a lot during the songwriting process). If you’ve heard of the band Rush, then you’ve heard Coheed and Cambria - technically difficult music played by skilled musicians, combined with a male singer with a high-pitched voice. If you’re over thirty, you won’t like Coheed and you must avoid them at all costs.
 

David Archuleta

David Archuleta is the Barry Manilow of our time, with half the charisma and double the homosexuality. He is another American Idol winner whose outstanding vocals counteract his annoying shyness and self-effacing nature. If you want uplifting music without the need for Christian rock, you should check out David.

 

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