Brad Brown

Photo by Rich T.

I’ve never robbed a bank, but I’ve fantasized about it since I was a kid. The fear of prison sex prevents me from implementing my carefully conceived plans. Don’t let my lack of testicular fortitude prevent you from executing a successful robbery. I thought I’d share my years of planning with you, the criminal BradBrown.com reader, in hopes of enhancing your success. Together, we can make a difference.
 

Exploding Dye Packs and You

Exploding dye packs are used as deterrents to robbery. Each teller has a pack, and they’ll place one in your bag along with the real money. Minutes after you leave the scene, the timed pack will automatically explode, leaving permanent red dye over all of your bills, essentially marking them as stolen. The key to avoiding this problem is to use multiple bags. Given that dye packs are expensive, each teller is typically given only one pack. If you ask the teller to fill five separate bags instead of one, you will lose only twenty percent of your earnings if a dye pack explodes. I recommend using military-style canvas messenger bags, available in a variety of stylish colors.
 

Dark Disguises

In the early nineties, I had the privilege to work for Durand-Wayland, a fruit-sorting machine manufacturer. One thing you quickly learn about sorting fruit via camera is that darker features are harder to distinguish than lighter ones. The same principal holds true for photographed faces. Therefore, the darker your clothing and face appear, the less chance there is of you being identified. I recommend wearing dark foundation, which not only disguises, but also moisturizes and protects you from the sun’s harmful rays. When the police review the video after the robbery, you’ll appear to be George Hamilton, or Eastern Indian [which is great, assuming you’re not Eastern Indian]. Regardless, the police won’t have an accurate description of you for the evening news.
 

Criminal Mastery

People will read self-help books on every subject under the sun, but you’ll rarely find a criminal who reads about his craft. As with any subject, you can learn a lot from the experiences of others. Robbery is no exception. Two of the better books on the subject are “Where the Money Is: True Tales from the Bank Robbery Capital of the World” and “The Encyclopedia of Robberies, Heists, and Capers.” Both of these books are essential reading for any criminal mastermind. If you’re illiterate (?), I would suggest watching “Dog Day Afternoon,” an Al Pacino epic which sums up the art of robbery in a fantastic multimedia presentation [Serpico robs a bank to pay for sex-change operation for his male lover].
 

The Note

The note is the prime item that can link you to the crime. Never create a handwritten note - always use a word processor to produce a printed copy. When you print it, make sure you do so from a Kinko’s; by doing this, you eliminate the ability of the cops to tie your printer to the note. Finally, consider printing the note on combustible paper. Combustible paper contains chemicals that react to body heat. After a few seconds of being exposed to a 98.6 degree temperature source, the paper bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash behind. You hand one of these notes to the teller, she reads it, it burns her hands, and no one is the wiser.

Photo by AComment

Diversions

A good diversion can take the attention off your criminal shenanigans and give you ample opportunity for ex-cape. Here are some suggestions:

• Light a smoke bomb while the teller fills your bags with money. This will minimize your on-camera exposure.
• Set off the fire alarm when leaving. This will confuse the authorities as to what is happening at the bank.
• Once you’re in your car and on the road, remotely blow up the transformer feeding electricity to the bank and surrounding area. This will create additional confusion.

 

DNA

The less of yourself you leave at the crime scene, the less of a chance the police will have in finding your DNA. The first thing to do before committing your crime is to shave off all of your body hair, then apply Nair or Nads to your body to remove every remaining follicle. To prevent any skin or sweat from being left, wear latex gloves and a jimmy cap while committing the crime. Studies show that the combination of gloves and a jimmy cap can prevent 90% of biological contamination during robberies.
 

Getting Away

Even if you make it out of the bank alive, exiting the parking lot could prove to be your doom. During the planning stages, most robbers pay more attention to the bank and not the surrounding area. Exiting the bank parking lot quickly is the key. Look for banks along stretches of highway, as opposed those located in shopping malls, so that your egress is not blocked by red lights or soccer moms.
 
Here are some additional getaway tips:

• Remove your license plate and replace it with a cardboard “tag applied for” sign.
• Consider driving to a discrete dumpster, hiding the money under garbage, and picking it up later that day in another car. If you’re stopped by the police hours after the robbery, there will be no evidence tying you to the crime.
• If your car is an uncommon car, like a 1974 Pinto, consider borrowing a more ubiquitous model from a friend, like a white Honda Civic. That will make you more inconspicuous.

 

Conclusion?

If you enjoyed this article, don’t forget to check out the other articles in my criminal mastermind series, including “Seven Ways to Become a Better Prostitute,” “Seven Ways to Become a Better Burglar,” and “The 4 Habits of Highly Effective Pimps.”
 
“The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment.” - Tony Robbins.

 

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