Brad Brown

Photo by Bobster1985

In the twentieth century, when life was simple, one could distinguish between heterosexuals and homosexuals easily. Any bachelor over the age of twenty-five was gay, any unmarried woman over the age of sixteen was a lesbian, and everyone else was either heterosexual or undecided. In modern times, it’s much harder to separate the men from the boys (no crowbar jokes please!). You have married men soliciting same-sex pleasure in the back pages of Craigslist, and you have homosexual men looking as buff as G.I. Joe. The lines between the teams are blurred. I’ve extensively studied the theory of Gaydar, and I have compiled a definitive list of characteristics for determining if someone subconsciously wants to be homosexual, even if their apparent lifestyle would indicate otherwise.
  

Attention to Detail

One of my new co-workers is ex-military, is married, and has three kids. We’ll call him Dick. As I walked into our daily 10:30 mismanagement meeting, Dick saw me and said “What happened? Did a wrinkle bomb go off?” Looking down, I noticed that the only place where I was wrinkled was the crotch area of my imitation Dockers [nothing but the semi-best for me!]. I replied, “Thanks for paying attention to my crotch! Take a picture. It’ll last longer.” I have never seen ten grown men laugh so hard (except for Dick). Usually, it takes one good zinger from Brad Brown to make a person realize they’re dealing with a caustic-witted sociopath, and then they leave me alone. Dick, however, keeps on commenting on my fashion and lack of grooming. I’ve never had another man pay so much attention to my body and attire. Dick, if you’re reading this, come out of the closet now (and tell your closeted friends, because I could use the hits!).
  

Leather

When I worked at TranSettlements, I had a crush on the IT girl Mindy. She always wore a leather jacket, even in the summer, much like The Fonz from Happy Days. She also had one of those chains attached to her wallet [the fact that she had a wallet didn’t strike me as odd until I wrote the previous sentence.]. I would use any excuse to go see her…faux virus infection…slow computer - you name it, I had the problem. One day, I confided about my obsession to another co-worker. “Dude, she’s a lesbian,” he said. I was heartbroken.
  
In her case, there was nothing “latent” about it; I just missed the obvious signals. Since then, I have noticed a link between homosexuality and leather. Unfortunately, there’s also a link between motorcycling and leather. I haven’t been able to fully determine the correlation between the three. I think the rule is: If you wear leather in the summer, and you’re not a biker, you subconsciously desire to be gay or lesbian. Alternatively, you might be a heterosexual going through a mid-life crisis.

Photo by Bobster1985

Giant Ears, Flat Head

Never mind…
 

Backup Dancer Fantasies

My high school buddy Keith loved to dance and act. When the drama teacher asked each of us what we wanted to do once we graduated, Keith said “I want to be a backup dancer for Cyndi Lauper.” Sure enough, I was watching VH1 years later and saw Keith in a leotard gyrating next to Mariah Carey. Over the following years, he toured with Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Cher. “Who knew he was gay?” I often thought to myself.
  
Ten years later, at our class reunion, a thin, mustachioed man approached me with the grace of a gazelle, moving seductively as if on a cat walk. It was Keith…followed by a wife and two kids! I was shocked. “How large is his closet?” whispered my girlfriend. I woke up three days later in an hourly motel outside the gates of Fort Benning. A year after that reunion, he divorced his wife and became a gay minister Las Vegas. Sometimes, dreams do come true.
  

Drink Choice

A survey by American Bartender Magazine found a correlation between latent homosexuals and drink choice. The results:

• Latent lesbians - Rolling Rock beer, consumed directly from the bottle.
• Latent gays - Mojitos. The sprig of mint and the lime slice are what makes this drink so appealing.

I thought I’d include the other surprising results as well:

• Hetero teenage girls - Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers.
• Hetero teenage boys, and adult lesbians - Budweiser.
• Hetero men - Miller Light.
• Hetero women and gay men - Cosmopolitans.
• Hetero stream of consciousness bloggers - Four shots of Patrón, followed by one shot of Ouzo to mellow me out. Then the real writing can begin. I can’t feel my face.

  

Exchange of Jazz Mix Tapes

I was explaining to my female friend that I had exchanged CDs with a co-worker. “Yeah, he gave me Pat Metheny and Michael Brecker, and I let him borrow Duke Ellington.” “That is so gay,” she said. “It’s not gay. It’s a musician thing, you wouldn’t understand,” I replied. Bob plays sax, and I used to play guitar. Musicians like to trade music (legally, of course) - it’s what we do. I’ve yet to determine if it’s the jazz element that makes my female friend think that this audio exchange between two men is a mark of gayness, or if it’s just trading music in general. To avoid the suspicion of your significant other, just avoid exchanging CDs with any of your same sex-friends. To be really safe, avoid trading Miles Davis with anyone.
  

Frequently Asked Questions

• Why is it important to distinguish between homosexuals and heterosexuals?
    
  It’s an ingrained tenet of religious dogma that’s gradually become an integral part of our thought process. It we didn’t discriminate, there would be nothing to complain about. If there were nothing to complain about, our lives would be empty, sans work and television. The gravity of our situation would then dawn on us like a bit of new knowledge.
    
• What are your favorite gay and lesbian blogs?
    
  Pink Sheep of the Family - BJ is always good for a laugh. His is one of the few URLs I have committed to memory.
  PerezHilton.com - For some reason, I have an obsession with celebrity gossip. Perez never fails to deliver.
  AfterEllen.com - The best coverage of everything lesbian. The writing is top-notch and there are a variety of topics, even for the breeder.
  JesterTunes - Never a dull post.
   
• Are you a latent homosexual?
    
  If I were in better shape and paid more attention to my attire, I would be suspicious of myself. I would describe myself as more of a heterosexual Homer Simpson.

[Brad’s note: I appreciate my gay, lesbian, and transgender readers as well. I invite you to return for next week’s article “Ten Signs That You Might Be a Latent Heterosexual.” The signs are a bit more subtle, and they’ll surprise you.]

 

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